In a not-so-long time ago in a galaxy we currently reside in, suggesting that The Star Wars prequels sucked gargantuan amounts of donkey dick would’ve been like bludgeoning the messy remains of what used to be a dead horse. However, it seems like within the last decade or so, we’ve collectively decided that, not only are the Star Wars prequels good now, but they’re deep, sophisticated, intellectual masterpieces that plunge new depths of the human experience. I on the other hand, still think they’re boring and shit and I’m here to tell you why.
For the record, I used to really like the Star Wars prequels…… when I was twelve. You see, whilst the prequels were simultaneously panned by fans and critics alike upon release, they were supported by one of the greatest merchandising campaigns of all time. Say what you will about George Lucas, he knew how to sell kids toys. Sure, The Phantom Menace’s debut in 1999 was about as well received as the Coronavirus, but I’ll be damned if the spaceship that shows up at the beginning didn’t have a banging Lego set based on it. I suppose that’s why Lucas kept 100% of the merchandising rights to himself. Smart move George.
I bring this all up because the fundamental reason the prequels are considered “good” now, is because the children that had Revenge of the Sith merchandise religiously sold to them in the 2000s are now pushing thirty and have Reddit accounts. Nostalgia is one hell of a drug, but a drug that it turns out I’m (mostly) immune to, mainly because I hated my childhood and am therefore able to acknowledge that some of the things I liked twenty years ago aren’t very good. For example, I once tried rewatching Robot Wars as an adult and the experience was like watching two washing machines gently bump into each other until one of them broke down.
When it comes to explaining why the Star Wars prequels are still shit, it would be easy to regurgitate what everyone was saying about them twenty years ago – but I like to think I’m better than that, so I’m going to examine the popular reasons why people consider them good now and tell them why they’re wrong. Enjoy.
The World-building is so good
Ah yes, the world-building. Or as I like to call it: the things that happen off-screen. I’ve noticed that when I ask someone what the best things about the prequels are, they’ll tell me about something that happened in The Clone Wars animated series, or some other media from the Star Wars extended universe, rather than, you know, the actual fucking films themselves.
But The Clone Wars made the prequels good in retrospect!
Sorry, I don’t buy this for a single second. I shouldn’t need to sit through several seasons of an unrelated TV show in order to make a trilogy of films remotely watchable, particularly if said TV show was conceived several years after the films and made by completely different people. You know George Lucas said himself that he hasn’t seen 95% of the Star Wars media outside the films, right?
My “favourite” thing about the prequels has got to be that they’re full of these “beloved” characters that have literal libraries of lore written about them, but when it comes to their actual role in the films, their entire purpose is to show up for a single lightsaber fight and die. Take General Grevious for example – hyped up to be this unkillable jedi-murdering badass. But what’s his actual role in Revenge of the Sith? To show up for two fight scenes and get killed by Obi-Wan. I mean he barely even makes it out of the first act for fuck’s sake. See also: Darth Maul, who I only recently discovered even had a voice actor considering how little he does in the films.
Maybe I’d feel different if I was one of those people that gave more of a shit about lore than I do, but I’ve always thought that having a lot of lore shouldn’t excuse bad storytelling. This doesn’t just apply to Star Wars either, a lot of the later Halo games are really bad for this; people will tell me that Halo 5’s story is a lot more enjoyable if you’ve read some of the books, but I tell those people to fuck off. Lore should be like Ketchup – something you add to a dish that’s already good and not a meal on its own. You wouldn’t eat Ketchup soup for example.
They’re deep and political and stuff
This is the one prequel defence that I actually think has some merit to it. Well, a little bit. Well, not really, but I’ll entertain it. Very, very broadly, the Star Wars prequels are a story about the rise of fascism, or at least they would’ve been if they weren’t bogged down by meaningless fight scenes and terrible romance subplots. But according to the prequel universe, the rise of fascism only occurs because absolutely everyone involved is a complete moron. The Jedi and the republic are too fucking stupid to see what’s right in front of their faces, plus no-one bothers to ask any meaningful questions about anything. Does no-one stop for a moment and say “hmm, this chancellor Palpatine guy is a bit too blatantly obviously evil, maybe we should keep a closer eye on him?”
“Ah-ha!” I hear your say. “But just take a look at the world around us, aren’t our lives currently being ruined by the dumbest fascists ever conceived by humanity?” That’s a good point Mr Voice-in-my-head. However, I personally don’t think you can talk about the rise of fascism without also commenting on the big C – capitalism. Sure, Donald Trump himself and the vast majority of his voters might have brains made of actual pudding, but do you think he would’ve gotten anywhere without massive support from fellow billionaires and big corporations? This kind of commentary is completely absent from the prequels, but then again, maybe I’m expecting too much from (and I can’t reiterate this enough) films that were made to sell toys to children. Besides, I can’t imagine the guy who became a billionaire from selling merchandise would make a film about how capitalism sucks.
They’re Shakespearean
This is the defence I find most utterly idiotic, yet also laughable. You see back in the day, the prequels got a lot of shit for featuring dialogue that sounded like it had been written by someone who’d never heard human beings converse before. After all, who can forget such classic lines like “I don’t like sand” or “If you’re not with me, you’re my enemy”? However, modern-day prequel fans will tout this as being Shakespearean, because you know, the fundamental aspect of the work of one of history’s most important writers, was his characters talked kind of funny. Shakespearean my arse. Speaking as someone who’s actually gone to see a Shakespeare play, I don’t remember sitting there the whole time whilst thinking “this is exactly like Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones!”
You only dislike them because Mr Plinkett and CinemaSins told you to!
You know people shat on the prequels long before YouTube film critics were a thing, right? The Phantom Menace got negative reviews when it came out, so unless you think CinemaSins is a time traveller, I don’t think you can blame the film’s shitty reputation on some YouTube videos that were released ten years later. I don’t know if you’ve noticed how time works, but The Phantom Menace was released in 1999 and Mr Plinkett’s review of it didn’t come out until 2009.
But…… the cinematography
Do you even know what cinematography is, or do you just think it’s when the camera does stuff?
You’re just not smart enough to understand the prequels
Anyone who uses their own personal preference in entertainment as a method of measuring their intelligence is by definition, a fucking moron.
They’re still better than the sequels!
Ok. Sure. Whatever. Just because new thing bad doesn’t been old thing suddenly good. With that in mind, I look forward to an era of sequel apologia the moment the next Star Wars trilogy drops.
Before I wrap this all up, I want to say that, regardless of the prequels’ quality, the actors, actresses and other people who worked on them in no way deserved the vitriol and hate they got from fans back in the day. Sure, Jar-Jar Binks was kind of annoying, but that doesn’t mean the guy who played him deserved to be pushed almost to suicide. In fact, I don’t think we took the lesson of “don’t harass actors” to heart as much as we should’ve done, considering that the people who worked on the sequels ten years later also got a ton of death threats and harassment. Nerds are never happy, I guess.
In conclusion, it’s important to realise that some of the things you liked as a child actually kind of suck when examined critically, even if you’ve spent the last decade surrounded in a Reddit echo chamber telling you otherwise. With that said, if you genuinely enjoy the Star Wars prequels because you like woosh ka-pow lightsaber space-battle fun, then all the power to you, because that’s exactly why I liked them when I was twelve, just don’t pretend that watching Revenge of the Sith makes you smarter than Albert Einstein.