Foreword:
You have absolutely no idea what I’ve been through to try and bring Androux book 2 into reality. To put it into context, book 1 was almost entirely finished after about 3-4 months; book 2 has taken roughly a year and still isn’t finished, not will it ever be. Yes that’s right, I’ve finally made the decision to pull the plug on Androux.
Let’s go back to the beginning – book 2 started with a lot of enthusiasm and ambition, but it would gradually dissipate over time. The first hurdle was trying to get the damn thing to even make sense; I like to think that the ‘plot’ of the first Androux book is pretty straight forward, whilst book 2 deals with multiple complex storylines running in tandem. This proved tricky as I don’t think either of us were prepared to take on such a task, as it involved significantly more planning and checking to see if there weren’t any plot-holes. This would inevitably lead to the downfall of book two, as it would run against the philosophy we originally had when we started out the Androux project together, which was to keep it improvisational and to not overthink things.
The final nail in the coffin came when a few volumes into book 2, Alex decided to bail from the project. She cited a lack of interest and a desire to work on more serious projects for doing so, which is understandable, but it came as quite a blow as we had already put a large amount of work into it. I almost pulled the plug on book 2 there and then, but I actually decided to soldier on by myself for a few months. Alex’s departure from the project also meant that neither book 1 or 2 will ever see the light of day as audiobooks, as they were originally intended to be. Despite this, I decided to continue with the Androux story in an entirely text-based format.
My main reasoning trying to finish Androux was because I simply HAD to see it done; I had sunk so much time and effort into it, that I wanted to complete it mostly out of obligation, but after writing several volumes solo, I decided that the project would be far too much for one person to take on. Fun fact: Androux was going to be a trilogy – book 2 ended up being so long that I decided to split it into two parts, the second part of which would’ve been book 3. It was this knowledge that killed my enthusiasm to keep working on Androux, because the idea of having to write ANOTHER sequel to complete the story just became too daunting. The interesting thing is, that when I decided that I would no longer be continuing the project, book 2 was not actually too far off completion, it’s just that it relied heavily of being followed up by another book and I just didn’t have the energy to do that anymore.
I’m glad that I did try to stick out book 2 for as long as I did, because I’ve learned a lot from the experience. I’m genuinely quite proud of some of the stuff I’ve written for book 2 and it’s made me much more confident as a writer. I’m sure it would’ve been pretty neat if I had finished at and gone onto write book 3, but the project just kept getting in the way of other things I wanted to work on. I leave you now with what I have completed on book 2, to give you a glimpse of what might’ve been. I hope you enjoy.
FULL TRANSCRIPT BELOW
Prologue:
A bell rang to indicate that the school day was at last at an end. Little Timmy packed up his things and got ready to leave. On his way home from school, he swung by the shops to buy Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker on Blu-Ray. Timmy loved Star Wars, as it was his favourite film series of all time. He had watched all the films more times than he could remember and couldn’t wait to finally complete the legendary saga. He didn’t have a favourite Star Wars film, because in a way, they were all his favourite.
He walked through the door, tossed his bags to one side and ran straight upstairs to his room. Once inside, he rapidly tore the shrink wrap off the box, barely able to contain his excitement, then shoved the disc right into his Blu-Ray player. He made himself comfortable and watched with bated breath as the opening titles began:
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…….
Suddenly, just as was the film was starting, a man wearing riot gear with an assault rifle crashed through Timmy’s bedroom window, neatly combat rolling before pointing his gun at Timmy.
Officer 1: “Internet police! Don’t move!”
Seconds later another man wearing similar gear kicked down the bedroom door to assist his comrade. They both had their guns trained squarely at Timmy’s face.
Officer 2: “Get down on the ground NOW! Put your hands behind your head right now! I SAID, PUT YOUR HANDS BEHIND YOUR HEAD!”
Little Timmy, who was utterly bewildered by everything that was going on right now, did as they said.
Timmy: “What’s going on? Who are you people and why are you here?”
Officer 2: “We’re with the internet police, and you are in some deep shit boy.”
Officer 1: “Did you really think you could get away from us, huh? You really thought you could watch The Rise of Skywalker without us knowing about it? DID YOU REALLY THINK WE WOULD LET YOU GET AWAY WITH YOUR BULLSHIT!!!????”
Timmy: “I don’t get it; did I do something wrong?”
Officer 1: “Don’t play mind games with us Timothy, we know about your crimes and trust me, you will play a just price.”
One of the officers then spoke into his radio:
Officer 2: “Officer Buttmunch, the area is secure. I repeat: the area is secure”.
Radio: “Good work gentlemen, I will come down to meet you shortly. Over.”
A few minutes passed until Timmy and the two officers could hear the distinct sound of helicopter blades whirring overhead. The whirring noise got closer, until they saw a ladder roll down by the smashed window. A very large man adorned in armour climbed down it. When he finally got his bulky power armour through the window into Timmy’s room, the other two officers snapped to attention, indicating that he was in charge.
Officer 1: “Officer Buttmunch, the target has been neutralized as you commanded, sir!”
Officer Buttmunch: “Good work men, I will take things from here.”
The man known as officer Buttmunch took a few moments to examine Timmy. Timmy couldn’t see officer Buttmunch’s eyes due to his gigantic helmet, but he could feel them piercing through his very soul.
Officer Buttmunch: “Interesting choice of film you’re watching”.
Officer Buttmunch looked over to the TV in Timmy’s room, which had still been playing The Rise of Skywalker whilst all this chaos had been ensuing.
Timmy: “Erm, yeah, I erm, bought it at the shops today, I’ve, errr, been saving up my pocket money for a little whi-.”
Officer 1: “People like you make me sick to my stomach! Actually watching a Disney Star Wars film! You do realise that’s a category 9 hate crime?”
Officer 2: “Why aren’t you watching Revenge of the Sith anyway? I mean it’s the single most important film in the history of cinema!” (This is what r/prequelmemes actually believes).
Timmy: “But I’ve already seen that one! It’s on the shelf over there.”
Officer 2: “Then why aren’t you spending your every waking moment watching it over and over again? Are you not intellectually capable of comprehending the sophisticated nuance of the Shakespeareanesque dialogue?”
Timmy: “……. What?”
Officer 2: “I didn’t think so”.
Officer 1: “How much of the…… cursed film……. Did you watch anyway”.
Timmy said nothing.
Officer 1: “DON’T GIVE ME THE SILENT TREATMENT!!! I SAID, HOW MUCH OF THAT FILM DID YOU WATCH YOU LITTLE FUCK?????!!!!!”
Timmy: “Okay, fine! I just got past the opening titles before you guys showed up!”
The two officers recoiled in horror.
Officer 1: “……. You watched….. past the…….. oh God”.
The officer turned around and proceeded to empty the entire contents of his stomach onto the bedroom floor. His colleague ran out of the room screaming.
Officer 1: “People like you……. You make me fucking sick”.
The officer wiped the remaining vomit from his lips and attempted to regain his composure.
Officer 1: “15 years I’ve been on the force and never, and I mean NEVER have I seen such, disgusting depravity! I have to ask; how do you sleep at night?”
Officer Buttmunch: “ENOUGH!”
Officer Buttmunch finally glanced away from the TV and stared back at Timmy and the remaining officer.
Officer Buttmunch: “It’s true that watching The Rise of Skywalker is a category 9 hate crime, which is punishable by death by firing squad”.
Timmy: “WHAAAAAAT? For just watching a film? This has to be a joke!”
Officer Buttmunch: “It’s true, but I’m feeling…… generous today, so I will let you off for a warning”.
Officer 1: “Just a warning? But he’s watching something that directly violates internet police code!”
Officer Buttmunch: “SILENCE! I have something better planned. Somethingthat will send a message to everyone that we are in charge;that no-one is to even think about having opinions on fictional media that are contrary to ours”.
Timmy: “What’s that?”
Officer Buttmunch: “We’re going to blow up your house. Also you’re sentenced to 6 months in internet police jail”.
Timmy: “You’ve got to be kidding me”.
“FIRE IN THE HOLE!”
The explosion went off with an ear-splitting bang, blowing little Timmy’s house to smithereens, decimating half the street in the process.
Officer 2: “We did it. We saved the day”.
The embers from Timmy’s ruined house crackled into the night.
Volume 1:
Androux woke up with a start; he really hoped it was all one big awful dream but as he looked around his cell, he could see very clearly that it wasn’t. How long had it been? Months? Years? At this point he really couldn’t tell, it felt like a lifetime. As he contemplated this, an internet police guardsman entered the cell.
IPG: “On your feet scum; we’re taking you to the interrogation room again. Agent Anderson wants another word.”
Androux: “I’ve told you everything I know.”
IPG: “Save it. Scum.”
The guard, joined by another, marched Androux out of his cell and down the corridor into the interrogation room where Agent Anderson, dressed in a sharp suit stood at one end of a table.
Agent Anderson: “Androux… yet again. Please, sit, and make yourself comfortable because this is going to take quite a while.”
The two guards forced Androux into the chair at the other end of the table, then cuffed him to it.
Agent Anderson: “I think you know what I’m going to ask already as it’s the same thing I ask every time. Why did you do it?”
Androux: “And I think you already know my reply because it’s the same thing I say every time. I didn’t do it, it was his son.”
Agent Anderson: “As we’ve covered, nobody saw anybody else other than you enter his fighting robot; you and you alone were caught on camera entering the control room, there was no other way in, no hull breach and I sincerely doubt he beheaded himself. We already know you did it, what we don’t know is why, and who for.”
Androux said nothing.
Agent Anderson: “Fine. Guards, escort him back to his cell, and make sure he eats from the shitposting menu this month.”
The Guards undid Androux’s restraints and removed him from the interrogation room. They began to escort him back to his cell, but Androux’s suspicion was then aroused when he noticed he was being take a different route.
Androux: “Where are we going? My cell is back that way.”
IPG: “Shhh… just trust us okay?”
All of a sudden, the main lights shut off and were replaced by the red glow of the emergency lighting as the alarm sounded.
Alarm: “Warning, personal space breach detected, all personnel to assume battle stations.”
IPG: “That’s our cue, come on we have to be quick about this.”
As Androux was lead by these two mysterious guards down more corridors than he could count; he started to wonder if this in fact was a dream; he had long since lost any hope of being rescued yet it certainly did look like such an event was occurring.
IPG2: “This is the spot; do you want to send her the signal?”
IPG: “Mike X-Ray 51, Victor Tango Juliet.”
A few seconds after sending the message, there was an almighty explosion as the air lock was ripped clean off; just outside Me-Me was waiting on the back of the mighty Cyan Eyes Off-White Dragon.
Androux: “Me-Me? Is it really you?”
Me-Me: “Quickly now Androux, we haven’t got much time. Get on! You two should come too; the League of Warrens has been compromised, it’s likely they know you’re here.”
The two guards took off their helmets, revealing that they were Warrens, then jumped aboard the dragon along with Androux. Once everyone was on board, the Blue-Eyes swiftly departed and headed back towards earth.
Warren: “I’m so sorry Androux; we wanted to get you out of there sooner but things have been a bit bumpy lately; I’ll let Me-Me fill you in.”
Androux: “How long has it been?”
Me-Me: “It’s been six months Androux and we’ve got a lot to fill you in on, but right now we need to focus on finding somewhere safe to lie low but I don’t even know if there is such a place.”
Androux: “I actually know a place we can go, go left over there.”
Me-Me: “Androux… are you sure?”
Androux: “Absolutely, there will be no place safer.”
Although Me-Me wasn’t feeling especially convinced she nonetheless steered Cyan where Androux stated; the route took them to a huge pair of hangars situated in the middle of nowhere; they set down in front of the one Androux gestured at and disembarked; they walked toward the massive door and knocked. They waited with baited breath as the door slowly began to open.
Anorak: “AWWWWHHHH ANDROUX! I WAS BEGINNING TO THINK I’D NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN, HOW’VE YOU BEEN?”
The strange man at the door leapt over to Androux and pulled him into a tight embrace. Upon seeing Androux’s discomfort from the overly tight grip, he relinquished.
Androux: “everybody, this is my brother, Anorak; he’s saved my skin more times than I can count.”
Me-Me: “It’s a pleasure to meet you Anorak”
Anorak: “AWWWH THE PLEASURE IS ALL MIIINE! Come in come in before you catch a cold… or get caught! Let me give you the tour!”
Androux: “Actually Anorak there’s somethi…”
Anorak: “This way this way, behold my LAMPPOST COLLECTION! One moment let me just…”
Anorak dashed off into a room to the side of the Lamppost chamber. After a series of crashing and banging sounds, the sound of an engine spluttering into life could be heard. Anorak then resurfaced from the room, excited to show the others the fruits of his labour.
Anorak: “Do you like it? This is new, it’s a Gardner 6LXB and it powers all my lampposts!”
Warren: “He’s a bit odd”
Me-Me: “Shh… don’t be rude!”
Androux: “Anorak we have some really pressing matters that we need to discuss right away”
Anorak looked at Androux with puppy dog eyes.
Androux: “Fine, lead the way…”
A reasonable distance away from Anoraks Lamppost hangar, a somewhat haggared man was hard at work in a fairly run-down office block. Worldwide budget cuts had seen the formation of a singular police force for the entire oyster planet and Earth Police Chief Hank Grimes was the only one lucky enough… or unlucky enough depending on your outlook to have retained his position in the merger and following cuts. As Hank was attending to his duties, one of his underlings came bursting into his office.
PC Underling: “Chief Grimes sir! I have some important news!”
Hank: “So important you’d just burst in like that? What the fuck is wrong with you? I’m trying to manage the policing of an entire fucking planet here and you think this is appropriate conduct?”
PC Underling: “I’m sorry sir, it won’t happen again… anyway I’ve just received news that…
Hank: “Get out.”
PC Underling: “But sir you’ll want to hear thi…”
Hank: “Get out. And try again, properly this time.”
The PC underling paused awkwardly before turning and walking out of the office, shutting the door behind him.
*Knock *knock
Hank: “Who is it?”
PC Underling: “PC Underling sir; may I come in as I have important news to share with you.”
Hank: “Very well; you may enter. To what do I owe this interruption?”
PC Underling: “We’ve received word that the one responsible for turning the planet into an Oyster has escaped the clutches of the internet police.”
Hank: “Oh? Thank you for bringing this to my attention; this is great news indeed. If we can locate him, perhaps we can speak with him without having to have any dealings with those internet police arseholes. Do you see how much easier and more pleasant this was with you following basic door knocking etiquette?”
PC Underling: “I do Sir; I’ll see that it doesn’t happen again.”
Hank: “Please do; without etiquette we’re no better than those disgusting internet police. Now; put together a team and see if you can track where Androux went after escaping; we need to get to him before the internet police recapture him; I’ll leave the approach on how down to you but report to me any significant findings.”
PC Underling: “Right away sir; I won’t let you down!”
Hank: “I know… oh and PC Underling; I’m sorry I snapped, trying to lead a planetwide police force can be stressful but nevertheless a constructive work environment is important.”
PC Underling: “Oh… that’s alright, and… thank you.”
MEANWHILE, BACK AT ANORAK’S LAMPPOST HANGAR:
Anorak: “……..AND THAT’S HOW I WON THIS EGLO LATERNA 4 FINISH OUTDOOR PILLAR LIGHT 22144 AT AN AUCTION!”
Androux: “Wow Anorak, thank you for telling us all about your lampposts! That was very exciting and well worth the three hours that it took for you to finish! I definitely feel much more well informed about all the different models of lampposts now!”
Me-Me: “Thank God that’s ov-“
Androux elbowed Me-Me sharply in the side, indicating that she should probably reconsider her next few words.
Me-Me: “I mean wow, Anorak, that was soooooo enjoyable! I literally couldn’t think of a better way to spend my time than listen to you talk about lampposts!”
Anorak: “AAWWWWWWW YOU ARE BOTH QUITE WELCOME. ANYWAY IT’S GETTING LATE SO I BETTER BE HEADING OFF TO BED NOW. WE’VE GOT A BUSY DAY AHEAD OF US TOMORROW, SO YOU TWO SHOULD THINK ABOUT GETTING SOME REST AS WELL.”
Me-Me: “That’s a good idea, your ‘enthralling’ lecture on lampposts has left me feeling quite exhausted”.
The two Warrens, who decided for some reason to be absent during the lamppost lecture, approached Me-me.
Warren: “Well ma’am, I’m afraid it’s time for us to depart”.
Me-me: “Really, so soon? But why?”
Warren: “We need to regroup at outpost W with the other warrens, but I’m sure our paths will cross again in the future”.
Me-me: “I’d love for you two to stay, but I understand if you’re needed elsewhere. Thank you both for you’re help, you’ve been invaluable to our cause”.
The two warrens gave Me-me and Androux a salute, to which Me-me saluted back.
Me-Me: “Warren and warren, it’s been an honour”.
Warren: “The pleasure is all ours”.
Warren: “Hey warren, it looks like our ride is here”.
Another warren in a jet-propelled shopping trolley pulled up outside the hangar. The other two warrens climbed aboard and the trolley took off into the night.
Warren: “Next stop: outpost W!”
With the two warrens departed, attention turned back to Anorak.
Anorak: “AAAWWWWW WELL NOW THOSE TWO ARE GONE THAT CERTAINLY MAKES ACCOMODATION MUCH EASIER. YOU SEE, I DON’T HAVE MUCH LIVING SPACE AROUND HERE BECAUSE OF ALL THE LAMPPOSTS! THIS MEANS I ONLY HAVE ONE SPARE BEDROOM, ONE OF YOU WILL HAVE TO TAKE THE SOFA.”
Androux: “I’ll take the sofa, I don’t mind.”
Anorak: “AWWWWW ALRIIIGGGHT THEN, I BEST BE SWITCHING OFF THE GARDENER 6XLB BEFORE I HEAD OFF TO BED. LET ME JUST POWER DOWN THE OLD GIRL…….. THERE WE GO. WELL GOOD NIGHT THEN!”
Androux and Me-Me: “Goodnight”.
Satisfied from another in-depth lecture about lighting equipment, Anorak made his way upstairs to get a good night’s rest, leaving Androux and Me-Me alone in his great hall of lampposts.
Me-Me: “Well he’s not exactly what I expected.”
Androux: “Anorak? Well he certainly has some rather peculiar interests, but he has a good heart. I’m certain he’ll take good care of us.”
The two paused in an awkward silence for thirty seconds or so, gazing around at the varied lamppost collection that filled the room. Eventually, Me-Me decided that she would be the first to attempt to strike up a conversation:
Me-Me: “I can’t tell you how good it is to finally see you again; I knew I shouldn’t have believed him when he told me you were dead.”
Androux: “Huh? And who is this you might be referring too?”
Me-Me: “Why, the one known as RickAndMortyFan69 of course! He told everyone that you were killed during your final showdown with SouthParkFan420”.
Androux: “Hmmmm, how interesting. What could he possibly have to gain from spreading rumours of my death, particularly after he helped me take down The King – his own father?”
Me-Me: “I have no idea- that one operates on an agenda known only to himself”.
Androux: “Where is he now? I mean, I assume he’s still alive right? And what about Mayor Derkle, did he survive our encounter with the internet police?”
Me-Me turned her back to Androux and examined the Endon YG-3502 that was on display behind her.
Me-Me: “We all made it out okay: Mayor Derkle, RickAndMortyFan69, Steve and the entity formerly known as the white flower all survived the fight against the internet police”.
Androux: “That’s a relief. Wait! Hang on, weren’t Steve and the white flower killed by SouthParkFan420’s giant fighting robot?”
Me-Me: “They survived and before you ask, I have no idea how. The White Flower wouldn’t say a word about it, and as for Steve…… *sigh*, he would just get defensive and try to change the subject whenever I asked him about it.”
Androux: “As long as they’re okay, but where are they all now?”
Me-Me looked over her shoulder, away from the YG-3502 and met Androux’s gaze again.
Me-Me: “To be honest with you Androux, I really don’t know. When the King was defeated and you disappeared, things quietened down quickly and most of us went our separate ways. I’ve been living a mostly solitary life the last few months, so I’ve had very little contact with the outside world until recently.”
Androux: “Where’s Mayor Derkle then? The two of you were quite close, so why did you decide to go separate ways?”
Me-Me turned away again to examine another exotic lamppost next to her.
Me-Me: “We were, but something changed in him after you went missing, so we parted ways. I hear he’s been moving up in the world though, become some kind of political bigshot.”
Androux: “What about RickAndMortyFan69, what’s become of him?”
Me-Me: “Last thing I heard Derkle used his influence to help get him some work within the film industry, but that was months ago. No idea what he’s doing now.”
Androux: “And as for Steve and the white flower?”
Me-Me: “The white flower completely disappeared of the face of the universe shortly after the battle, no-one has heard from it since. And as for Steve….”
Me-Me looked at the floor and began to play with her hair.
Me-Me: “Things got……. Complicated between us.”
Androux: “How so?”
Me-Me: “That’s a story for another time, but Anorak is right, we really should get some rest”.
Androux: “You’re right Me-Me. And thank you, for everything”.
Me-me slowly made her way up the stairs to her bedroom, but paused just before she left the hall of lampposts.
Me-Me: “And Androux……”
Androux: “Yes, and what is it Me-Me?”
Me-Me: “Please put some trousers on already, you look ridiculous.”
Volume 2:
Androux was mortified as he looked down and noticed for the first time in months that he was in fact completely naked apart from a pair of somewhat ripe smelling socks.
Androux: “Oh my… I think I ought to take a shower before anything else, they didn’t have those at the internet police.”
After Androux took a much-needed shower, he made himself comfortable on Anorak’s sofa and tried to get some sleep.
Agent Anderson: “For the last time Androux; tell me everything you know!”
Androux: “What’s left to tell?!! You already know everything I know”
Agent Anderson: “Disappointing… maybe more hater comments will jog your memory… Androux is the gayest thing I’ve ever seen… I’ve heard gooder stories from my toilet and I have big smarts so u know its true… If you think about it Androux is really a villain in his own story…”
Androux: “AAAARGGGGHHH”
Androux woke up bolt upright, bathed in sweat.
Anorak: “AWWWWHHHH I’m sorry Androux, didn’t mean to wake you up with a start like that.”
Androux: “Oh err, it’s alright; it wasn’t you… bad dream…”
Anorak: “AAAWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHH I’m sorry to hear that Androux, but on the bright side I’ve brought you breakfast… it’s lampfish, one of my favourite delicacies!”
Androux: “Well; I can safely say I’ve never had lampfish before.”
Anorak: “AAWWWWHHHHH you’ll love it! Come and join us in the kitchen whenever you’re ready”
Anorak turned and left the room, leaving Androux to tuck into the delicious lampfish Anorak had prepared for him. Once he had finished his nutritious meal, Androux met up with Anorak and Me-me at the kitchen table.
Anorak: “AAWHHH good you’ve joined us, take a seat, we have much to discuss!”
Me-Me: “Androux… what are you wearing? Wait… are those… mine?”
Androux, determined not to embark on another adventure basically naked had decided to get dressed; unfortunately he did not have any clothes of his own and had to borrow some. He was sporting a hot pink pair of short shorts and a white crop top, both of which were too small for him given that they belonged to the smaller framed Me-Me.
Androux: “… yes… I didn’t have any of my own clothes with me… I hope you don’t mind.”
Me-Me: “I… you look… um… I guess its fine if it means I don’t have to see your naked body but wouldn’t it have made more sense to borrow some clothes off your brother, he’s a much more comparable size.”
Androux: “I actually didn’t consider that but what’s done is done”
Anorak: “ALLLLRIGHTY THEN! Let’s get onto the task at hand, follow meee!”
As Anorak got up to lead the way they were interrupted by a knock at the door.
Anorak: “Me-Me could you get that? I need to show Androux something important.”
Unfortunately, Anorak dragged Androux out of the room before anyone else had a chance to consider a significantly less stupid option.
Me-Me: “Yeah… great idea; we’re in hiding here but sure I’ll answer the door.”
Me-Me headed to the front door and answered it. The man at the door was a short man in his early forties, wearing glasses and featuring very unkept facial hair. The scruffy shirt he was wearing was accompanied with ink stains and an incredibly ill-fitting tie.
PC Underling: “Oh hello there young lady; my name is PC Underling and I’m with the earth police; we’re currently trying to track down a man by the name of Androux; our records indicate his brother lives here. Are you Anorak?”
Me-Me: “Umm… yes?”
PC Underling: “Oh wonderful… I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind answering a few… oh god no… not them.”
PC Underling put his head in his hand as two Internet Police officers walked up the path.
IP: “Androux… where is he… what is he doing here?”
PC Underling: “Anorak, tell them that Androux has business with us now; they had their chance”
Me-Me said nothing for a few moments and stared blankly at the idiots who stood before her.
Me-Me: “Oh… we’re really doing this… PC underling says they have business with Androux and he said to say you guys had your chance already”
IP: “Well tell this little PC man that he’s our escaped prisoner and we’re not done with him yet”
PC Underling: “You guys have brutish methods and rarely achieve anything!”
IP: “You’re grossly underfunded and spend too long on pleasantries!”
Me-Me stood there for a bit watching the imbeciles bicker in front of her before deciding that enough was enough; she closed the door and wandered off to see where Androux and Anorak had got to. She followed the loud exclamations of Anorak which echoed through the hangar found him and Androux in Anoraks lab; she barely got through the door when she was confronted by an overbearing Anorak standing slightly too close.
Anorak: “AWWWWWHHHH good you’ve found us! Is Boffin with you?”
Me-Me took a step back in order to re-establish acceptable levels of personal space.
Me-Me: “Boffin”
Anorak: “Boffin!”
Me-Me: “I don’t know who Boffin is.”
Anorak: “Oh? I assumed that was him at the door… “
Me-Me: “No; in fact it was representatives of both the Earth and the Internet police.”
Anorak: “AWWWWHHHH how nice!”
Me-Me: “Not really”
Anorak: “Oh?”
Me-Me: “Anorak… we’re here in hiding remember?”
Anorak: “Right?”
Me-Me: “From the internet police… and presumably now also the earth police…”
Anorak: “Okay”
Me-Me: “The people that were at the door… those are the people we’re in hiding from!”
Anorak: “AWWWHHHH of course!”
Me-Me: “So maybe we should consider another place to hi…”
Boffin: “AWWWWHHHH ANORAK!”
Anorak: “AWWWWWHHHH BOFFIN, taking the secret entrance again I see!”
Boffin: “You know me! Just following the sign posts!”
Me-Me: “Androux… I’m having doubts here about this hideout.”
Anorak: “Have no doubt Me-Me; now Boffin is here I can show you our latest machine… oh by the way Boffin did you here the internet police and the earth police were here just now?”
Boffin: “AWWWWHHHH how nice! We should have invited them in for tea!”
Me-Me at this point was getting visibly annoyed.
Me-Me: “CAN WE PLEASE…! Can. We. Please. Get back to the machine?”
Anorak: “AWWWHHHH of course yes!”
Anorak and Boffin positioned themselves in a rather well rehearsed manner in front of a large object covered by a large sheet.
Anorak: “Have you ever laid awake desperately wondering what it would like to be in the skin of a lamppost?”
Boffin: “I know I have!”
Anorak: “Well what if I told you there now exists a machine that can let you experience just that?”
Boffin: “You can’t mean what I think you mean?!”
Anorak: “I can, and I do, and without further ado I present to you all, my objectification ray!”
Anorak and Boffin ripped the sheet off of the large object, revealing it to be what resembled a large laser beam focused into a tall glass chamber.
Boffin: “It’s really a joint effort; Anorak here has the brains to figure out the theoretical concept…”
Anorak: “And Boffin here has the technical skills to bring all our dreams…”
Boffin: “…Into reality”
Me-Me: “So this device… it can transform us into…”
Anorak and Boffin: “LAMPPOSTS!”
Me-Me: “Can it turn us into any other objects or just lampposts?”
Anorak: “AWWWH Well… I don’t see why it couldn’t with how it works but I don’t know why I would ever entertain such a ludicrous concept.”
Boffin: “There is one other thing as well, a slight technical problem in that the effect only lasts 6 seconds.”
Anorak: “There is one thing we haven’t tried but it would involve the use of a very difficult substance to get hold of these days…”
Androux: “Is it meth?”
Me-Me: “For fuck sake Androux it’s not going to be…”
Anorak: “That it is dearest brother! Do you have some?”
Androux: “I don’t… but I think I know someone who can help. sreppilclianeotym era erehwknarFoY”.
The room shook, the ground cracked open and out rose the satanic lord of hell.
Satan: “Hey man, how’s tricks?”
Androux: “Hello Satan, my friendly neighbourhood meth dealer! I would very much like to purchase some of your wares!”
Me-me: “Oh Jesus Christ.”
Satan: “Pfft, I hate that guy. Anyway, of course you can buy some meth dude, that’ll be £50”.
Androux briefly rummaged around in his pockets, but turned up nothing.
Satan: “If you don’t have any cash on you, I am also taking lamppost components as an alternate payment method. Just if, you know, you happen to have any kicking around”.
Androux: “Oh really?”
After hearing this new information, Andoux looked back at Anorak, giving him a very optimistic smile.
Anorak: “AAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH GO ON THEN, I SUPPOSE I CAN PART WAYS WITH A FEW SPARE COMPONENTS.”
Me-me: “How very convenient all of this is”.
Anorak disappeared into his spare parts room for a few minutes, then later emerged with a shopping trolley full of random lamppost components.
Anorak: “AAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWW WILL THIS BE SUITABLE FOR YOU SATAN?”
Satan: “That’s perfect man, thanks for helping a brother out. Here’s your meth Androux”.
Androux: “Thank you oh mighty lord of the underworld! That will be all for now”.
Satan: “No worries my dude, contact me anytime. Oh, and just before I head off, I have a message for you”.
Satan quickly reached into the dark abyss from whence he came and grabbed a small paper note, handing it to Androux.
Androux: “How interesting, who’s it from?”
Satan: “I didn’t see man, I was pretty baked at the time heh heh heh. Well I best be taking off now, got some stuff to do in hell and all that. See ya.”
The room shook once more and Satan shrunk back into his unholy domain, closing up the hole in the ground behind him.
Me-me: “So Androux, what does it say?”
Androux: “Dear Androux, meet me in the capital city of oysterworld. Your good friend, DERK. Derk?”
Me-Me: “Derk?”
Anorak: “Derk?”
Boffin: “Derk?”
Androux: “Derkle! It must be Derkle!”
Anorak: “AAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW EXCELLENT! WAIT WHO?”
Androux: “Our good friend Mayor Derkle. He helped us defeat the internet police the first time around. He must’ve found out that I survived and wants to help us out in our quest!”
Me-Me: “How can you be sure that it’s really him? It could be a trap”.
Androux: “This is definitely him; I recognise his handwriting and it’s written in green crayon”.
Me-Me: “This doesn’t make any sense; how can he possibly know that you’re alive? Most of the people who know you’re alive are in this very room! Well, those who aren’t in the internet police or the league of Warrens anyway.”
Androux: “I don’t know, but what I do know is I trust that man to the ends of the oyster, we need to go and find him, now!”
Me-Me: “Something doesn’t feel right about this, but I guess we don’t have many options right now”.
Androux: “Then it’s settled! We’ll leave now and meet Mayor Derkle and together we shall form a plan!”
Me-Me: “Not so fast Androux! We should take precautions… Anorak; how long will it be before the machine is fully operational now you have the… ughh… meth?”
Boffin: “AWWWWHHHH not long at all, we just have to install the meth in the specially designed chamber…”
Anorak: “Do a quick calibration and it’s good to go! Would you like to be objectified first Me-Me?”
Me-Me: “Fuck no! I am not going in that machine!”
Androux: “But… you just said we need to take precautions…”
Me-Me: “Right, they’re looking for you Androux; they don’t seem to be after me, also do you not remember? We established I’m magic so I can just call upon that. Let’s just do this stupid plan and hope for a miracle.”
Anorak: “AWWWWWHHHH I CAN BARELY CONTAIN MY EXCITEMENT! Androux my dearest brother, if you could step into the objectification chamber.”
Androux moved into position, Anorak and Boffin set about their duties operating the machine.
Boffin: “This is it Anorak; all our hard work, our dreams are about to come true with the push of that last button, would you like to do the honours?”
Anorak: “AWWWHHHH I’d love to! But we should do it together, on 3.14!”
Anorak and Boffin: “One… two… three… point 14!”
The pair of them pressed the button together and activated the objectification ray; the machine fired emitting a blinding light. As the blinding light faded the three of them were able to see that Androux had disappeared, in his place stood a lamppost.
Anorak: “HAAAAH! IT WORKED! IT REALLY WORKED!”
Boffin: “THIS IS THE GREATEST DAY OF MY LIFE OOOOHHHH THINK OF THE POSSIBILITIES!”
Anorak: “How does it feel to be objectified Androux?”
Androux said nothing for he is a lamppost.
Anorak: “Speechless!”
Me-Me: “Okay great good job achieving your dreams but can we move along?”
Anorak: “Oh!… right. Okay, we’ll load him into my Anorak!”
Me-Me gave him a blank stare, having no idea what he meant by that.
Anorak: “… the pickup truck outside”
Me-Me: “Oh right…”
Me-Me, Anorak and Boffin set about carrying the Androux Lamp post through the hallway and out the door; they threw him into the back of Anoraks VW Anorak and set off for the rendezvous point. The journey was long and awkward, or at least it was awkward for Me-Me… Finally they arrived at the capital of oysterworld. The capital city was not what you may expect of a typical capital; it consisted of three burnt out allotment sheds and of course, Derkles 5 bedroom unfurnished rented manor house. President Derkle stood outside; dressed in a loud purple suit with a long purple cape, and of course, a purple cane.
President Derkle: “Me-Me… it’s been a long time. I am surprised to see you have come… sans Androux”
Me-Me: “We had to take precautions.”
Derkle: “Of course.”
Everyone stood awkwardly for several moments.
Me-Me: “Okay, I’m pretty tired of everyone bullshit these days so can you just tell me what this is all about already?”
Derkle snapped his fingers and several internet police soldiers emerged and restrained Me-Me, Anorak, Boffin and the lamp post.
Me-Me: “You’re… with the internet police? I honestly thought there was nothing left that would surprise me.”
Derkle: “Things change Me-Me; I learnt a lot from the events we experienced in battle. I lost my best friend in battle; gained him back again only for him to die again… or so I thought; turns out once again that was a lie… it’s… not worth the trouble. The internet police offered me an alternative, stuff… things. The thing about stuff and things Me-Me is they don’t leave you like friends do. If stuff breaks you can replace it; if it runs off and disappears… you replace it. It doesn’t matter how loyal your friends are… stuff will always be loyaler.”
Volume 3:
Samantha: “How long did you say this scene was going to be?”
Assistant director Benjamin: “About 3 hours”.
Samantha: “Wow, that’s a bit………”
Assistant director Benjamin: “Excessive?”
Samantha: “Painfully self-indulgent is the phrase I was looking for”.
Assistant director Benjamin: “Yeah, that works too; unfortunately the lead director insists on it though”.
Samantha: “You know, I thought playing the role of Princess Leia in a new Star Wars film would do wonders for my career, but……… this isn’t exactly what I had in mind.”
Assistant director Benjamin: “Don’t tell me you’re lacking faith in Star Wars Episode IV – A New Hope: Special Edition 2 – The intellectual version now?”
Samantha: “Haha, maybe just a little bit.”
Assistant director Benjamin: “You know, when High IQ productions bought the rights to Star Wars from Disney, I thought we would do something good with the franchise; like, you know, release the unaltered versions of the first 3 films, rather than just add even more extraneous nonsense onto them. I guess we just don’t deserve nice things.”
Samantha: “How even did High IQ Productions get the rights to Star Wars from Disney anyway?”
Assistant director Benjamin: “I turns out most of Disney was destroyed when the entire world transformed into a giant space oyster.”
Samantha: “Yeah, that’ll do it. So why did you take this job then? You’re clearly not enjoying it.”
Assistant director Benjamin: “I’ve been asking myself the same question for weeks now; every conversation I’ve had with the lead director makes me want to chew my own arms off.”
Samantha: “Speaking of which, is it even worth challenging him to reconsider some of his, erm, ‘creative decisions’, regarding the next scene? It’s not like he’s going to listen.”
Assistant director Benjamin: “I’m not expecting much either, but what have I got to lose? Except more of my will to live of course”.
Samantha: “Well good luck then.”
Assistant director Benjamin: “Thanks, I’m going to need it.”
Assistant director Benjamin walked down the studio’s labyrinthine corridors until he finally found himself at the lead directors office. He gently knocked on the door, but heard no response from inside. He waited a few more seconds before deciding to enter anyway.
Assistant director Benjamin: “Hello, lead director?”
RickAndMortyFan69: “BENJAMIN! WHAT, WHAT DO YOU WANT?”
Despite not replying to Benjamin’s knocking, the lead director was inside his office, sitting at his desk and gazing longingly into his laptop screen. When the director saw Benjamin enter the room, he tore himself away from his laptop, rapidly shut the lid and pushed it to one side.
Assistant director Benjamin: “Oh sorry MrMortyFan, you didn’t respond when I knocked.”
RickAndMortyFan69: “That’s because I didn’t want to be disturbed, be more considerate next time!”
Assistant director Benjamin: “What were you doing anyway?”
RickAndMortyFan69: “Nothing, nothing! I could ask the same of you!”
Assistant director Benjamin: “I just have a few questions about some of your ‘creative decisions’ regarding the opening scene.”
RickAndMortyFan69: “You doubt my genius?”
Assistant director Benjamin: “You know, I do actually.”
RickAndMortyFan69: “Fine, I’ll entertain your recommendations.”
Assistant director Benjamin: “First of all, I’m not sure starting the film with a PowerPoint presentation from Darth Vader about how space flight technology in the Star Wars universe works is a particularly good idea. It seems rather boring and unnecessary.”
RickAndMortyFan69: “You fool! How is space flight in Star Wars supposed to be believable then, hmmm? You think the audience will just buy into the concept of hyperspace travel without knowing the technical details?”
Assistant director Benjamin: “Well, you could just assume the audience is capable of suspending their disbelief? It is a film after all.”
RickAndMortyFan69: “What do you think this is, a work of fiction?”
Assistant director Benjamin: “…..Yes?”
Director MortyFan stared disapprovingly at the assistant director, saying nothing in response.
Assistant director Benjamin: “Fine, I guess we’re not changing that then. I have a few other queries though; like is the cameo from Kit Fisto really necessary? I’m not sure what he even adds to the film?”
RickAndMortyFan69: “What do you mean? Kit Fisto is the single most important entity in the entire Star Wars universe! No-one is as deep or has as many nuanced character arches as him!”
Assistant director Benjamin: “I mean he was just a very minor side character that showed up in like, 2 scenes of the Prequel trilogy. He didn’t even make a significant contribution to those films. Did he even have a single line in them?”
RickAndMortyFan69: “………..I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that. Can you please go away and leave me in peace now?”
Assistant director Benjamin: “Fine! I’ll leave you to do whatever you were doing before, see you on set I guess.”
RickAndMortyFan69: “That’s right, you better think twice before questioning my intellectual authority! No-one knows how to do cinematic cinematography like I do!”
Benjamin shook his head and turned to exit the room, slamming the door shut on the way out.
Samantha: “So, how’d it go?”
Assistant director Benjamin: “Oh great, just as well as I expected.”
After a failed attempt to get director MortyFan to reconsider some of his asinine ideas, Samantha and Benjamin made their way back to film set to continue their work. RickAndMortyFan69 made the decision not to come with them, as he stated that he had more pressing matters to attend to, which apparently included giving women on the Instagram large amounts of money for no reason. Despite this, the rest of the day’s filming went smoothly without a hitch.
Assistant Director Benjamin: “Aaaaaaaannnnnnnd, CUT! That’s a wrap everyone!”
Samantha: “Thank fucking Christ that’s over with”.
Assistant director Benjamin: “Same here”.
Samantha: “By the way, do I really have to wear this outfit? It’s a bit…….. revealing? I don’t remember Princess Leia’s slave bikini being a thing until episode 6”.
Assistant director Benjamin: “Yeah, but unfortunately Mr MortyFan insists on it; he was trying to convince me earlier about how it’s really important to her character arc and essential foreshadowing and a load of other meaningless drivel”.
Samantha: “Or he just wants to stare at my tits, the perv.”
Assistant director Benjamin: “There’s also that”.
Samantha: “Speaking of which, where is our genius overlord? I haven’t seen him all afternoon, not that I’m complaining or anything”.
Assistant director Benjamin: “Oh, he left earlier around lunchtime. Said he wasn’t feeling well and went to the Doctor’s I think, leaving me with all his work, hence we actually got some done today”.
Samantha: “Well if he gets diagnosed with being a pretentious twat, I’ll inform the Doctor that he or she is a bit slow on the uptake”.
Assistant director Benjamin: “You’re in a bad mood today, how come?”
Samantha: “Oh nothing in particular, other than you know, the unending purgatory of this role”.
Assistant director Benjamin: “Oh don’t worry, you’ll soon forget when you, like me, go home tonight and start slamming your head against a wall to ease the pain”.
Samantha: “Oh thanks, I feel so much better now.”
Assistant director Benjamin: “Haha, don’t mention it.”
RickAndMortyFan69: “What’s wrong with me Doctor, am I going to be okay?”
Doctor Seriousman: “It’s nothing fatal, but I’m afraid there is………”
Doctor Seriousman took off his glasses and attempted to look dramatically off into the distance, which was in fact the other end of his office.
R&MFan69: “Yes?”
The doctor leaned back and placed the back of his hand against his forehead, as if practicing for some kind of amateur dramatics recital.
Doctor Seriousman: “NO CURE!”
The good doctor then put his head in his hands and pretended to start sobbing. RickAndMortyFan69 was completely bewildered by this.
R&MFan69: “I am completely Bewildered by this”.
Doctor Seriousman: “I am sorry Mr MortyFan, but it’s true! I’ve seen these symptoms far too many times before and your life will never be the same again! The constant OnlyFans donations, defending female twitch streamers you’ve never met actually met from any minor criticism, referring to every Instagram model you follow as ‘your girlfriend’. All of these symptoms can only mean one thing”.
R&MFan69: “Just tell me doctor, I can take it”.
Doctor Seriousman rested his hand on RickAndMortyFan’s shoulder and looked deeply into his eyes.
Doctor Seriousman: “You’re a simp, RickAndMortyFan69.”
R&MFan69: “No…… I can’t be!”
Doctor Seriousman: “That will be $300 then”.
R&MFan69: “Wait, what?”
Doctor: “Oh yeah, this part of oyster world is located roughly where America used to be, hence we no longer have universal healthcare here”.
R&MFan69: “Bastards!”
After paying an unnecessarily large fund for a basic human necessity, RickAndMortyFan69 began to walk home, giving him some time to mull over his new ‘condition’.
R&MFan69: “But I don’t want to be a simp. Besides, I don’t even like OnlyFans”.
He then opened the OnlyFans app on his phone and ordered a fresh batch of Gamer Girl Bathwater™ at first class delivery. As he trudged down the pavement towards his house, a black limo crept up beside him to match his walking pace. The back window rolled down and a strange voice came out of it.
?????: “Mr MortyFan!”
RickAndMortyFan69: “Huh?”
RickAndMortyFan stopped in his tracks and peered into the back of the limo, getting a closer look at its occupants.
?????: “Are you RickAndMortyFan69, director of the upcoming film Star Wars Episode IV – A New Hope: Special Edition 2 – The intellectual version?”
RickAndMortyFan69: “Who wants to know?”
?????: “If you are, then I have a proposition for you that I think you will find most intriguing”.
RickAndMortyFan69: “Fine, I am RickAndMortyFan69 of High IQ Productions. Whatever you’ve got to tell me, be quick about it! I’m a very busy man after all”.
?????: “Need to go home and subscribe to more E-girls on twitch.com?”
RickAndMortyFan69: “What! How do you – oh never mind just tell me your offer!”
?????: “I am currently a leading officer in the internet police, but me and my employer are looking to build a new organisation. We could use someone like you”.
RickAndMortyFan69: “I don’t care if your employer is crowdfunding a remake of The Last Jedi, I want nothing more to do with the internet police, ever!”
?????: “I also have news of your old friend Androux”.
RickAndMortyFan froze and his jaw dropped to the floor.
?????: “Thought that would get your attention”.
RickAndMortyFan69: “What is it? Tell me now!”
?????: “He is alive and has been for some time”.
RickAndMortyFan69: “Oh really?”
?????: “You don’t seem that surprised.”
RickAndMortyFan said nothing.
?????: “My employer has been watching you for some time, RickAndMortyFan69. He found your 30-part video series on why The Rugrats promotes feminist propaganda very appealing.”
RickAndMortyFan69: “Ah, so you’re familiar with my work?”
?????: “As I said before, we could use someone like you. Will you at least consider my offer?”
RickAndMortyFan69: “Fine, I’ll think about it, but I’m not making any promises”.
?????: “Excellent, here’s my card. Give me a call when you’ve made up your mind. Oh, and don’t tell anyone that we had this meeting, OR I WILL DESTROY YOU!”
RickAndMortyFan69: “That’s…… reasonable, but I have so many questions, like what is this new organisation you’re building, and why are you wearing all that ridiculous armour?”
?????: “All our plans will be revealed in good time my friend; but if you must know about the armour, it’s because I’m always on the job, plus I think it makes me look rather sexy”.
Limo driver: “If you say so boss”.
?????: “SILENCE! My personal attire will be respected at all times or I will incinerate you! Anyway, goodbye MrMortyFan! I’m sure we will meet again.”
The back window rolled back up and the limo quickly sped off into the distance, leaving RickAndMortyFan to complement what the hell just happened. He looked at the card he was given -as well as the appropriate contact details, it had a few lines of text written on it:
Join the Church of the Consensus!
All wrong opinions will be purged by the collective knowledge of the many!
All hail The Consensus and his divine wisdom!
Tired out from a hard day’s work, RickAndMortyFan69 stumbled through the door of his fancy new house (which was another courtesy of Derkle alongside the directing job), tossed his trench coat to one side then collapsed on his sofa. He sat there for a few moments contemplating another evening’s simping, but then the phone rang.
*Ring *Ring
RickAndMortyFan69: “Hello?”
President Derkle: “Yo dawg what’s hippity hoppity happening my homeboy RNM fan?”
RickAndMortyFan69: “President Derkle?”
President Derkle: “That’s right my dude, and don’t wear it out”.
RickAndMortyFan69: “Soooooooooo, what have you been up to?”
President Derkle: “Oh you know, screwing hot bitches, doing drugs, accepting bribes, starting a few wars. You know, the usual presidential stuff. Did I mention I’m president?”
RickAndMortyFan69: “You did; I voted for you remember? You said if I voted for you, you’d give me the job at High IQ Productions.”
President Derkle: “I said that? Oh yeah, I did! Sorry, my memory must be going a bit funny. It’s probably all the cocaine I’ve been doing! Cocaine makes you cool; did you know that?”
RickAndMortyFan69: “……..What do you want?”
President Derkle: “Oh nothing much my homie, just wanted to see what my main man was up to. How’s the film and stuff going?”
RickAndMortyFan69: “It’s going fine, not to blow my own trumpet, but I think it will single handily revolutionise the entire concept of cinematic media”.
President Derkle: “Oh that’s great! By the way you haven’t had any weird ass offers to join some kind of crazy cult now have you?”
RickAndMortyFan69: “No, why do you ask?”
President Derkle: “Well you know how I work for the internet police now and all that?”
RickAndMortyFan69: “No”.
President Derkle: “Oh yeah, I work for the internet police now. They’re using me to spread their influence so they can take over the oyster. Just thought you’d like to know”.
RickAndMortyFan69: “What?”
President Derkle: “Well I’ve been hearing rumours that there’s an upcoming rival organisation called The Church of the Consensus; they’re planning to take us over! They think they can get needlessly angry at opposing opinions about fictional media even more than us? Pah! We’ll show them!”
RickAndMortyFan69: “You work for the internet police!?”
President Derkle: “Apparently they’re looking for recruits, and since you are the most petty, self-obsessed dork I know, I’m almost certain they will come to you for help!”
RickAndMortyFan69: “I don’t care”.
President Derkle: “Well if you know anything, please let me know”.
RickAndMortyFan69: “I’m not helping you”.
President Derkle: “Oh, and one other thing”.
RickAndMortyFan69: *sigh “Yes?”
President Derkle: “You know that fine ass ho we used to travel with?”
RickAndMortyFan69: “Who?”
President Derkle: “You know the magic chick with the dragon?”
RickAndMortyFan69: “You mean Me-Me?”
President Derkle: “Oh yeah, that’s that bitch’s name”.
RickAndMortyFan69: “Your good friend Me-Me?”
President Derkle: “Yeah, she had a fine ass my dude, wouldn’t mind taking that bitch for a ride if you know what I’m saying? Well anyway, she just showed up with these other douchebags, so maybe you wanted to come and hang out or something, or maybe not idk but the offer is open”.
RickAndMortyFan69: “You’ve really changed, you know that?”
President Derkle: “Hahaha! It’s just that I’ve discovered the truth my boy! The truth about life!”
RickAndMortyFan69: “What?”
President Derkle: “Life aint shit but bitches and money”.
Volume 4:
Me-Me was the first to regain consciousness in the back of the internet police transport; she looked around to see Anorak and Boffin still unconscious but breathing; Androux lay motionless on the floor because he is a lamp post.
Me-Me: “Oh for fucks sake.”
A few moments passed and Anorak regained consciousness as well.
Anorak: “AWWWWHHHHHHHHHHH”
Me-Me: “How long is he going to be like that?”
Anorak: “Be like what…”
Me-Me narrowed her eyes at Anorak.
Me-Me: “Like. THAT. A lamp post! How long will he be a lamp post?”
Anorak: “AWWWH well it’s hard to say; we aimed for about pi but it was a hasty calibration”
Me-Me: “Pie?”
Anorak: “Pi! Approximately 3.14”
Me-Me: “3.14 WHAT?!!”
Anorak: “Days! I think… it could have been years though, Boffin might know. HEY BOFFIN!”
Boffin, who was unconscious up until this point became immediately animated at the mention of his name as if he was never even out.
Boffin: “Days I think… though it could have been years I was just so excited!”
Me-Me: “So a quick rundown of the extra steps to this mission; on top of escaping the internet police we now also have to get back to the machine, which by now is surely swarming with internet police guards to turn him back…”
Anorak and Boffin gave Me-Me a confused look.
Me-Me: “What?”
Anorak: “How would going back to the machine turn Androux back?”
Me-Me: “We… reverse the process…”
Boffin: “AWWWHHHH That’s not a bad idea!”
Anorak: “How do we reverse the process?”
Me-Me: “Why are you asking me; you built it!”
Anorak: “We didn’t build it with reversal in mind.”
Boffin: “We assumed you know something about the technology we didn’t.”
Me-Me: “WHAT? And why would you think that?”
Anorak: “Because you mentioned it.”
Me-Me found herself at a complete loss for words; before she had the opportunity to regain her composure the transport came to an abrupt stop; after what sounded like a bit of a kerfuffle the back doors opened. Once their eyes adjusted to the sudden increase in light they saw PC Underling standing there.
PC Underling: “I fully appreciate that I’m perhaps not your ideal source of rescue but I request you come with me; my superior needs to speak urgently with Androux… truth is we could really use his help.”
Me-Me: “Why should we trust you?”
PC Underling: “We just want to fix things… Look; if you come with us I promise you will have the full protection of the Earth Police.”
Me-Me: “Fine I guess. But you’re carrying Androux.”
PC Underling looked around for Androux.
Me-Me: “The lamp post… it’s a long story.”
Me-Me, Anorak and Boffin all climbed into the back of PC Underlings 2001 Vauxhall Astra 1.7DTi; they then watched as he struggled with Androux, finally he managed to mount him on top of the roof and secure him down with some ratchet straps. They then drove off before any more internet police could appear. They pulled up outside a very fancy looking skyscraper; PC Underling lead them up several floors, finally they stopped outside a door into a small broom closet. PC Underling approached the door and knocked.
Hank Grimes: “You may enter”
PC Underling gestured to the others that they should go ahead, he then went about struggling to pull Androux through the door.
Hank: “PC Underling, why are you bringing a lamp post into my office?”
PC Underling: “This Lamp post is Androux Sir.”
Hank raised an eyebrow.
PC Underling: “It’s true! Ask them.”
Me-Me: “As perplexing as it may seem it is indeed true, and a long story… can I ask why your office seems to be a converted broom closet? You seem to have an entire building at your disposal.”
Hank: “We are a much smaller operation than we once were… we… no longer own the building but we still rent this room.”
Me-Me: “Jesus how much smaller?”
Hank: “Well there’s me, PC Underling here… Andy”
Underling: “Andy retired remember.”
Hank: “Oh that’s right of course.”
Me-Me: “There’s… only two of you?”
Hank: “Yes but we’re a very efficient operation.”
Me-Me: “Well I suppose that’s true; the fact you got us away from the internet police is nothing short of a miracle. What do you need from us anyway?”
Hank: “Well it’s Androux we need really; how can we turn him back?”
Me-Me: “We wait somewhere between 3.14 days and 3.14 years for the effect to wear off.”
Hank: “That’s not good… he turned the planet into an oyster and we were really hoping he could help us turn it back.”
Me-Me’s eyes widened at the mention of the oyster planet.
Me-Me: “Androux… didn’t turn the world into an Oyster… I know who did; no wonder he disappeared from Anoraks house the other day… it was Warren… but they never do anything without good reason; if we can find them I’m sure they could help.”
Anorak: “Boffin and I know a thing or two about turning things into other things”
Me-Me: “They’re a bit full on but if you can get them what they need they should be able to help; I’ll take PC Underling and search for the Warrens, I have a few ideas where they might be.”
Hank: “You know this is actually nice not having to think of a plan. You can take the Astra if it’ll help.”
Anorak: “We’ll need its engine for a power source… not quite a Gardner 6LXB but it’ll have to do…”
Hank: “We also have a tandem bicycle.”
Me-Me: “It’s ok, I can use my magical powers that everyone keeps forgetting I have to call upon my dragon”.
Hank: “Wait, you have a dragon? Wouldn’t that be the sort of thing that would prevent you from being kidnapped?
Me-Me: “Well I had to leave her at Anorak’s hangar to remain discreet when we left for Derkle’s place”.
Hank: “Ok, that makes a bit more sense”.
Me-Me: “Plus she has the habit of accidently levelling entire cities by accident”.
The Cyan eyes off-white dragon landed with a hefty thud outside of an ancient ruin.
Me-Me: “Okay; this has to be where they are”
Me-Me began to walk toward the ruin; upon realising that PC Underling was not following she looked back to see him trying to compose himself.
Me-Me: “Are you okay there?”
PC Underling: “Yes… sorry. I’ve errr never travelled by dragon before… or seen one… now my legs are made of jelly.”
Me-Me: “It takes some getting used to…”
PC Underling: “Where are we anyway.”
Me-Me: “A place long since forgotten; a supermarket… of sorts… from the before time. Welcome to Woolworths”
PC Underling: “Woolworths?!! I thought that was a myth!”
Me-Me: “Yet the evidence stands before us; most have forgotten it even existed, which is why it would be the perfect place for the Warrens to seek refuge.”
PC Underling: “Can’t argue with that; shall we knock on the door?”
Me-Me: “You can if you want but I was just going to walk in”
The two of them approached the door, PC Underling raised a hand to knock but before he could Me-Me had forced her way in; Underling stood for a moment with his hand raised before lowering it and following Me-Me in.
Me-Me: “Hello?”
Head Warren: “Identify yourselves!”
Me-Me: “For fucks sake it’s obviously me, Me-Me! Oh and this is PC underling of the Earth Police.”
Head Warren: “Why did you bring police here?”
Me-Me: “They’re the Earth police, they seem okay; and they need your help with something… wait why am I talking on their behalf… PC Underling?”
PC Underling: “Right… yes, we were hoping you could run us through the whole world is an oyster thing.”
The Head Warren contemplated the query for a moment.
Head Warren: “Oh boy… this is going to be a long one so you might want to grab some pick and mix and pull up some chairs… Are we comfortable? Good. If you’re here asking this question then I presume Me-Me has already filled you in on the fact that we had something to do with the world becoming an oyster; what you perhaps don’t know is the reason why.
The League of Warrens is old, predating even the oldest historical records. We are a huge network which throughout the ages has listened across the globe; we’ve accumulated quite a lot of knowledge this way and with this knowledge we are often able to predict key events. One such event was the rise of the internet police; a force so powerful it would be almost impossible to stop.
Our only hope was in that of the legend of Androux the Off White; a being which can only exist when the main character of a really stupid work of fiction and a semi resistant product of the internet police fuse together. Allowing this fusion to occur was going to be a tricky one as neither was aware of the others existence; we needed something incredibly stupid to happen that would propel Androux into the line of sight of one RickandMortyFan69, what better way to do that than with a childish play on the ancient phrase ‘The world is your oyster’”
PC Underling: “Is there any way to turn the world back now that the oyster world is no longer needed? Beautiful storytelling by the way.”
Head Warren: “What do you mean oyster world is no longer needed? The internet police are mobilising again! Don’t you listen to any supermarket conversations at all?”
PC Underling: “Don’t get me wrong, I can see why you turned the world into an oyster to being with, it’s just that I’m not sure that it’s needed anymore. Androux and RickAndMortyFan69 know of each other’s existence now, right? So hasn’t oyster world fulfilled its purpose?”
Head Warren: “Hmmmm, I suppose you do have a point. Maybe we can consider returning the world to its previous, non-oyster state”.
PC Underling: “So you’ll do it then?”
Head Warren: “Well, this isn’t the sort of thing you can just rush into, there are some serious procedures that need to be considered: debates need to take place, treaties must be signed, plans must be made! We need to set in motion a proper exit plan for oyster world. We will call it: Oystxit!”
PC Underling: “This is excellent! I will inform my boss at once!”
Me-Me: “Is this all really necessary though; do we really need the world to go back to the way it was? The world has been an oyster for a while now and it seems people have just gotten used to it. Won’t turning the world back to normal just upset people even more?”
PC Underling: “Completely out of the question, change is scary and I don’t like it”.
Me-Me: “But…. You’d be changing it again”.
PC Underling: “CHANGE IS SCARY!”
Androux woke up, once again, with a start; finding himself sitting at a dining table in some kind of suburban household. He could hear the sounds of cooking coming from the other room.
Androux: “Where am I?”
????????: “Hello, who is it?”
It was a woman’s voice – a voice Androux could have sworn he had heard once before. The owner of the voice poked her head into the dining to see who had magically entered her house. Androux instantly recognised the gravity-defying pink hair and the subsequent person it was attached to.
Androux: “Annie-May?”
Annie-May: “Hello Androux, I haven’t seen you since our Skoda race in the land of the dead! How have you been?”
Androux: “Well I got arrested for a crime I didn’t commit and then I got turned into a lamppost, so things aren’t going that well to be brutally honest with you. So where am I anyway, am I in the land of the dead again?”
Annie-May: “Oh heavens no! I moved out of there ages ago. You’re in The Land of Convenient Exposition. My husband wanted to bring you here, he’s been anxious to meet you, you know. He’ll be home any minute, so you two can talk all about it. Now if you’ll excuse me, I must attend to the cookies”.
Annie-May returned to her cooking and left Androux alone in the dining room, the walls of which were adorned with lovingly painted portraits of himself and everyone he’d met during his adventures, including all his friends and enemies. It was almost as if Annie-May and whoever else lived here were trying to document his entire life. Andoux’s pondering was cut short by the sound of the front door opening.
??????: “Honey I’m home!”
A strange creature came through the door, took off its coat, put down the suitcase it was carrying and sat down on the living room sofa. The creature’s appearance was so baffling, so bizarre, so mind-bendingly confusing, that the narrator couldn’t even assemble the words to make an accurate description of it.
Annie-May: “How was your day sweetie?”
Annie-May sat down next to the creature and gave it a tender kiss on what presumably were its lips.
??????: “Oh you know, same old same old. I assume our guest has arrived?”
Annie-May: “He’s waiting for you in the dining room”.
??????: “Good, I best not keep him waiting then”.
The creature of pure undescribeableness made its way into the dining room and took a seat at the opposite end of the dining table to Androux.
??????: “Greetings child”.
Androux: “Hello there, and who might you be?”
Ecived Tolp: “My name is the Ecived Tolp, and I’ve been waiting a very long time to finally speak with you. Since your corporeal form is currently a lamppost, I decided that now would be opportune time to discuss important matters with you, as you would otherwise not be occupied”.
Androux: “So, what did you want to talk with me about, is this about saving oyster world from the internet police? Because I’m kind of already on it.”
Ecived Tolp: “Oh my sweet, innocent child, there’s a lot you don’t know about the internet police”.
Androux: “Like what?”
Ecived Tolp: “Do you know what the internet police actually are, Androux? They’re a hivemind: its operatives have no real identity of their own, nor possess the ability of independent thought. They work in unison with one goal in mind: to crush anyone with the wrong opinions of fictional entertainment”.
Androux: “No offense, but you aren’t telling me anything I don’t already know”.
Ecived Tolp: “There’s more to it: some officers are granted a higher state of awareness and the ability to act more independently than most internet police operatives, if they prove themselves worthy to the cause of course. So far we only know of two such officers, one of which was SouthParkFan420, who you have already disposed of”.
Androux: “But who grants them these powers, I thought you said the internet police is a hivemind?”
Ecived Tolp: “It is, but someone, somewhere a very long time ago must have created it and possibly still has some influence over it. We need you to find out who this is, only then can you truly defeat the internet police”.
Androux: “And how am I supposed to do that?”
Ecived Tolp: “We want you to track down this man”.
The Ecived Tolp, using what may or may not or been its hands, gave Androux a small piece of paper with a picture on it. It displayed the image of some kind of horrifying, armoured super-soldier.
Androux: “Who is he? I don’t think I’ve ever seen him before”.
Ecived Tolp: “His name is Officer Buttmunch, he’s the other high-ranking officer in the internet police that we know of. He rose to power after the King’s demise. We need you to track him down and find out everything he knows, as he could be our key to leading us to the internet police’s original creator, if he, her or it is still alive”.
Androux: “I’ll do it, you can count on me!”
Ecived tolp: “Good, I knew you wouldn’t refuse. We will send you back to your world, where you will return to your original non-lamppost form”.
Annie-May: “Your 3.14 is almost up, it’s time for you to be heading back home then!”
Androux: “But wait, what does 3.14 actually mean?”
*ding
Annie-May: “It’s how long it takes for the cookies to be done, silly!”
Androux: “But that doesn’t make any seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeennnnnnnnnnnnnse!”
Anorak: “AWWWHHHHHHHHH”.
Boffin: “AWWWWWWWHHHHHHH”.
Anorak: “SUCH BEAUTIFUL FORM”.
Boffin: “THE METALWORK IS SUBLIME”.
Anorak and Boffin’s session of ogling the Androux-post was cut short by said lamppost transforming into a rather dazed and confused looking Androux.
Androux: “AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!”
Hank Grimes: “Androux, you’re back at last!”
Anorak and Boffin: “Awwwhhhh…..”
Androux: “Where am I, and who are you?”
Hank Grimes: “My name is Hank Grimes, captain of the Earth police. And you my friend, have a lot to answer for”.
Androux: “I don’t understand, what did I do?”
Hank Grimes: “We’ve been trying to track you down for months to get you to answer for your crime of turning the world into a giant space oyster. You’re lucky I just got off the phone with my associate to negotiate a deal with the league of warrens to get us out of this mess, otherwise there’d be hell to pay!”
Androux: “That’s all very well, but I’m afraid that there are much bigger troubles on the horizon. You see, whilst I was a lamppost I was taken to a strange new world where I was given a task by two interdimensional beings to track down someone called Officer Buttmunch. It’s a mission of utmost urgency!”
Hank Grimes: “You do realise how stupid what you’ve just said is? Like I’m going to let you go on some random escapade because of a dream you had! You’re in my custody, so you’ll go where I tell you to and that’s final!”
Androux: “Anorak, Boffin, are you going to say anything, anything at all”.
Anorak: “AAAAWWWWWWH I’M AFRAID THAT WE DO KIND OF OWE HIM”.
Boffin: “AAAAAAAWWWWHH HE SAVED US WHEN MAYOR DERKLE BETRAYED US AND WE WERE CAPTURED BY THE INTERNET POLICE!”
Anorak: “Mayor Derkle……. Betrayed us? No, I don’t believe it”.
Boffin: “AAAWWWWWHH IT’S TRUE, HE WORKS FOR THE INTERNET POLICE NOW”.
Androux: “No, that can’t be, there has to be a misunderstanding. I need to confront him personally and get some answers, maybe he knows where this officer Buttmunch person is”.
Hank Grimes: “Oh, I don’t think so, you’re coming with me to the league of warrens HQ to take part in these negotiations, same goes for the two of you”.
Anorak: “WILL THERE BE LAMPPOSTS?”
Hank Grimes: “*Sigh* possibly”.
Anorak and Boffin: “AAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWHHHHH!!!!!”
Volume 5:
RickAnMortyFan69: “Daddy?”
SouthParkFan420: “What is it son?”
RickAndMortyFan69: “You know earlier how you were telling me the difference between good and bad writing?”
SouthParkFan420: “Why of course”.
RickAndMortyFan69: “It’s just that I’m not sure I entirely agree with your proposed hypothesis”.
SouthParkFan69: “Oh really, and why’s that?”
RickAndmOrtyFan69: “It’s just that I feel like the themes, emotions and ideas involved in something as complex as storytelling are far too nuanced to be simply labelled as good and bad. Besides, what does the categorisation of artwork even achieve in the first place? Surely the reason human beings create anything is to break away from the mundanity of pre-existing ideals and bring something new into the world? Historically speaking, the most profound and memorable pieces of writing are the ones that challenged what we already knew,giving us an opportunity for growth and allowing us to becomemore well-rounded people. Using art as nothing more than a subject for categorisation completely nullifies the quest to uncover a deeper meaning to life in my personal opinion, soI thinkthat collectively we need to stop studying art under the false pretence of objectivity, and start looking at it in terms of how it speaks to us on an individual level. After all, not all artistic creations are designed for a mass-market appeal”.
SouthParkFan420: “I think a certain someone needs to go and sit on the naughty step again”.
RickAndMortyFan69: “Yes father”.
Samantha: “I can’t believe it’s finally done”.
Benjamin: “And all it took was the majority of my self-respect and will to live”.
Samantha: “Was it worth it?”
Benjamin: “Probably not”.
Samantha: “Oh cheer up! We’ve finally reached the light at the end of the tunnel.”
Benjamin: “Don’t get your hopes up now, this is just the rough-cut screening after all”.
Samantha: “Well the majority of our work is done on the film, so frankly I don’t care about what happens to it from here”.
Benjamin: “Yeah, but we sank the last few months of our lives into this piece of shit, so we may as well witness the fruits of our labour. You coming then?”
Samantha: “You bet; I just need a few moments to brace myself”.
Benjamin: “My soul is prepared”.
Samantha and Benjamin entered the room where the rough-cut screening was taking place; it was a small room that they rented out as they couldn’t afford anything bigger, due to the director spending a suspicious amount of money on Twitch.tv donations. The room was filled with a few other important members of the production, such as the editor and some of the other actors. Standing in front of the screen that the film was to be projected on stood RickAndMortyFan69, poised ready to give a speech to his employees:
RickAndMortyFan69: “My loyal minions, thank you all for being here with me tonight! Over the last few months, I have been honoured to receive your undying respect and admiration as you marvel at my unrivalled brilliance!”
Cast member 1: “Booooo! Move out the way of the screen so we can watch the fucking film already!”
Cast member 2: “Who are you again?”
RickAndMortyFan69: “What you are about to witness is arguablyone of the most important events in the history of cinematic cinematography! For far too long people have been trying to make films to fulfil some kind of creative desire, trying to bring new ideas into the world, making people feeeeeeeeel things, or pushing the boundaries of what is possible. Not me though”.
Benjamin: “Such a brave and respectable pioneer”.
RickAndMortyFan69: “After years of gruelling research by reading highly upvoted posts on Reddit, I have finally uncovered the meaning of life!”
Samantha: “I highly doubt that”.
RickAndMortyFan69: “Since the dawn of civilisation, mankind has tried making works of art,pondering his or her own existence in an attempt to finally answer that ultimate question: why? But I alone have finally found the truth to all creative endeavour!And here it is: the ultimate goal of existence is to create something that temporarily makes you feel smarter than people you’ve never met on the internet, so you can congratulate yourself for having the best taste in fictional entertainment!”
Benjamin: “Well good luck with that”.
RickAndMortyFan69: “And that’s where this film comes in: what I have made here is OBJECTIVELY the most objective film ever made in the history of the universe! The character arcs are archier, and there is more cinematography than any other film, but best of all there are almost no women in it, so there are no politics!”
Samantha: “Someone should tell him what politics are”.
RickAndMortyFan69: “When this film is finally unleashed upon the world, it will singlehandedly make all other films previously made completely redundant, because mine is objectively better!”
Benjamin: “Jesus Christ, it’s just a Star Wars film”.
RickAndMortyFan69: “People will bask in my magnificent knowledge of how I think science fiction stories should be written, allowing me to ascend to a higher plane of being! I WILL BECOME A GOD!”
Samantha: “Modesty is such an attractive quality in a man”.
RickAndMortyFan69: “Now, without further ado, BEHHOLD – MY MAGNUM OPUS!”
Everyone took their seats and the lights dimmed. The room fell silent as the opening titles began.
Benjamin: “By the way Samantha, I snuck in a bottle of Jack Daniels if you want some”.
Samantha: “I’m not sure that really fits the cinema experience, perhaps a diet coke and some popcorn instead?”
Benjamin: “The film is 13 hours long”.
Samantha: “Give me some of that shit”.
13 long and very tedious hours later.
Audience member 1: “What the hell did I just watch?”
Audience member 2: “Why was the lightsaber fight at the end 6 hours long?”
Audience member 3: “Why did Grand Moff Tarkin give a PowerPoint presentation on how imperial blasters work halfway into the film?”
Audience member 4: “Why was Darth Vader constantly comparing the rebels to his hatred of sand?”
It seemed that the initial reception to RickAndMortyFan69’s film had not gone quite the way he anticipated. The room echoed with sounds of confusion, frustration and disappointment at the product they had created.
Benjamin: “Well that was unsurprisingly awful. Samantha are you ok? Samantha?”
Samantha sat there laying back in her seat, passed out likely due to a mixture of boredom and drunkenness.
Benjamin: “Well MrMortyFan, it seems that your film has been received just as well as I imagined”.
RickAndMortyFan69 surveyed his disappointed subjects, completely unsure why they weren’t basking in the magnificence of his genius and kissing his feet. Instead, they made their way to the exit, eager to get home and forget the last 13 hours of their lives.
RickAndMortyFan69: “Hmm, it’s bold in terms of jerking people around but……. I may have gone too far in a few places”.
Benjamin: “That’s an understatement for sure. Anyway, there’s nothing we can do about it now so we’ll sort it out tomorrow. Samantha are you coming?”
Samantha said nothing as she still hadn’t awoken from her drunken slumber. Benjamin picked her up, partially drunk himself, and carried her out of the room.
The next day and a reasonable amount of Neurofen later…..
Benjamin: “So, how do we fix this mess?”
RickAndMortyFan69: “It boggles the mind…..”
Benjamin: “We could probably cut out some of those more extraneous scenes, like part at the beginning where you give a detailed history of the planets in the background of the star destroyer chase”.
RickAndMortyFan69: “I’ve thought about this quite a bit and the tricky part is you almost can’t take any of those pieces out of there now, as each one kind of takes you to the next place and you can’t jump because you don’t know where you are”.
Benjamin: “Look, I know you’re very attached to you work Mr MortyFan, but people aren’t going to sit through a film that’s 13 hours long, we need to trim the fat somehow”.
RickAndMortyFan69: “It’s stylistically designed to be that way and you can’t undo that, but we can diminish the effects of it”.
Benjamin: “I have literally no idea what you just said, but ok”.
After many strained negotiations, the assistant director and the editing team were able to convince their boss to cut down the overlong 13-hour film, into a much more modest and restrained 11-hour feature-length. The cut 2 hours would likely be added back in for the Star Wars Episode IV – A New Hope: Special Edition 2 – The intellectual version RickAndMortyFan69 Cut. The head director wasn’t too happy about this but no matter, it was time for his film to be released upon the world. He knew that soon he would finally get the recognition he so rightfully deserved; when the rest of the world finally agrees the RickAndMortyFan69 is as smart as he thinks he is.
Reporter: “News just in: the newly released film, Star Wars Episode IV – A New Hope: Special Edition 2 – The intellectual version, is unanimously considered by critics as ‘the worst film of all time’. We had the opportunity to interview some of the reviewers and this is what they had to say”:
Reviewer 1: “This film is awful and plays out like the self-indulgent fanfiction of its creator”.
Reviewer 2: “11 hours long? It makes the Snyder cut seem brief in comparison”.
Reviewer 3: “This film is bad because it’s nothing like the books that it’s based on which I’ve never read”.
Reviewer 4: “I noticed a plot inconsistency around the 4-hour mark, which made it completely unwatchable for me. I will be sure to create multiple IMBD accounts so I can give this film 1-star reviews over and over again, just to prove a point!”
Reviewer 5: “Speaking as a connoisseur of the flawless examples as cinema known as the Star Wars Prequel trilogy, this new film did not intellectually stimulate me nearly as much as the movies George Lucas made during the late 90s and early 2000s. Hence fourth I will be organising an online petition to prevent RickAndMortyFan69 from making any more films, as well as to scrub this abomination from the history of cinema!”
Reviewer 6: “I saw a woman in it at one point. For fuck’s sake I wish the liberal media would stop forcing politics into my aging Sci-Fi properties.”
Reviewer 7: “Release the RickAndMortyFan cut!”
Several days passed and the bad reviews kept pouring in. Surprisingly concerned for his boss’s wellbeing, Benjamin decided to check up on his boss to see how he was coping with the backlash.
Benjamin: “Mr Mortyfan? Hello, are you in here?”
Benjamin was sure he’d seen RickAndMortyFan69 in his office at some point today, but he was nowhere to be seen and the lights were off. Despite this, the assistant director switched them on and ventured further into the office.
RickAndMortyFan69: *Sniff*
Benjamin: “Boss, where are you?”
RickAndMortyFan69: “Go away.”
Benjamin: “Ah, there you are.”
Benjamin looked under his boss’s desk to see the head director curled up in the foetal position, quietly sobbing to himself.
Benjamin: “Awwwww are you all upset about the bad reviews your film is getting?”
RickAndMortyFan69: “Yes *sob sob*.”
Benjamin: “How my heart bleeds for you. We could watch that 50-hour video about how Chris Chibnall’s Doctor Who episodes are communist propaganda, would that cheer you up?”
RickAndMortyFan69: “No, leave me alone!”
Benjamin: “So your film sucked, but so what? Bad films get released all the time! People will forget about it soon enough.”
RickAndMortyFan69: “You don’t understand, they’re out to get me now; because they didn’t like the one film I made, they think I’m a horrible person now.”
Benjamin: “Just because your film is bad doesn’t mean you are a terrible person. No, it’s the poor treatment of your staff that does that.”
RickAndMortyFan69: “It’s not fair, they don’t know me! Just because they didn’t like my film, they’ve started an online petition to prevent me from ever making films again! What person even wastes their time starting a petition to change a film they don’t like? It’s not like I’m forcing them to watch it.”
Benjamin: “Jesus, you’ve really stumped me.”
RickAndMortyFan69: “I never meant to hurt anyone, all I ever wanted was for people to like me.”
Androux, Hank, Anorak and Boffin made their way to the Oysxit negotiations at Woolworths, using PC Underling’s 2001 Vauxhall Astra 1.7DTi as transport. It was a long journey but they had almost made it, stopping only once on the way for a round of Grand Slams at Denny’s.
Androux: “This really isn’t necessary you know; I have a very important mission to complete.”
Hank Grimes: “Oh shut up Androux. We ARE going to these negotiations to fix the mess you made and you’re going to play along, whether you like it or not.”
Androux: “You don’t understand; this person I’m looking for, he could lead me to whoever created the internet police in the first place.”
Hank Grimes: “So?”
Androux: “Wouldn’t it be great to be finally be rid of them once and for all?”
Hank Grimes slowly brought the Astra to a halt so he could digest this new information, as well as the Grand Slam he ate earlier.
Hank Grimes: “They have been a constant thorn in my side for a long time now, but how would you even do that?”
Androux: “I’m the main character after all! This grants me special powers; I did turn the world into a giant oyster, didn’t I?”
Hank Grimes: “I suppose……”
Androux: “I won’t be able to do it alone though, I would need your help. We can take the internet police down together!”
Hank Grimes: “So if I joined you on your quest, we could destroy them once and for all?”
Androux: “I will do everything in my power to stop them, it is my destiny!”
Hank grimes: “Fine, I’ll join you, but you better not make me regret it.”
Androux: “Thank you Mr Grimes, Trust me you will not regret this decis-“
Steve: “I disagree, I think we should all go to these negotiations.”
Androux: “STEVE!? When did you get here? How did you get here?”
Hank Grimes: “You raise a good point Steve; we should definitely go to these negotiations. I’m really glad you’re here to help us out with all these tough decisions!”
Androux: “Am I the only one that noticed Steve just materialised out of nowhere?”
Anorak: “AAAAWWWWWHHHHH I’M NOT SURE WHAT YOU MEAN ANDROUX. STEVE IS OUR GOOD FRIEND AND HAS BEEN FOR SOME TIME!”
Androux: “But he wasn’t here before, I swear!”
Boffin: “AAAAWWWWWHHHHHH HE’S BEEN WITH US IN THE CAR THE WHOLE TIME, HAVEN’T YOU NOTICED?”
Androux: “This is a joke, right? Am I insane?”
Hank Grimes: “I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about. Steve has always been with us, right Steve?”
Steve stared blankly and said nothing.
Hank Grimes: “Haha! Oh Steve, always the quiet one.”
Androux: “Unbelievable.”
An hour or so later, the 5 of them arrived at Woolworths for the first Oystixt debate. Me-Me was waiting outside to greet them.
Me-Me: “You all better hurry inside, the debates are due to start any moment. Wait, STEVE? YOU’RE HERE!?”
Androux: “Don’t ask, he just sort of showed up.”
Steve: “Hey.”
Me-Me: “Don’t talk to me.”
Steve: “But-“
Me-Me: “I SAID DON’T TALK TO ME!”
Everyone went inside to observe the first debate; it would be taking place in a large room with a stage setup, equipped with an extensive seating area that was currently filled to the brim with Warrens. Androux, Me-Me, Anorak, Boffin and Steve found some spare seats, whilst Hank Grimes took to the stage.
Warren: “Welcome everyone, to the first of many Oystxit debates! Over in the left corner representing the remain party, that is remaining to keep the world as a giant oyster, is head warren!”
The clearly biased crowd of warrens broke out into a thunderous applause.
Head Warren: “Thank you, thank you, it’s a pleasure to be here.”
Warren: “Before we start I have just one question for you.”
Head Warren: “Yes?”
Warren: “As the figurehead of the remain party, why did you decide to give the Oystxit negotiations the go-head? Doesn’t that seem somewhat contradictory?”
Head Warren: “That’s a good question Warren – I decided that the chance of the ‘leave’ vote winning is so unlikely that I thought I’d let people vote anyway, just for giggles.”
Warren: “But what if the opposition does win?”
Head Warren: “Pah! What are the chances of that? It’s not like anyone would be stupid enough to vote leave anyway, it would have horrible consequences for years to come!”
Warren: “Well I wish you the best in your conquest against, erm, yourself. Anyway, over here in the right corner, representing the leave party is Hank Grimes of the Earth Police!”
The crowd fell completely silent, all except for PC Underling cheering like a hooligan somewhere at the back.
Warren: “So Hank, why did you decide to create the ‘leave’ party?”
Hank Grimes: “Well Warren, ever since the world turned into an oyster……. bad things have been happening.”
Warren: “Bad things, like what?”
Hank Grimes: “The economy is bad, immigration is bad, bad things are bad. Dare I say more?”
Warren: “Well, you could be a bit more specific.”
Hank Grimes: “If the world were to revert to it’s original state, all the bad things will go away and we can finally build the utopia we’ve always dreamed of.”
Warren: “That sounds entirely realistic and plausible Hank. Now that we’ve introduced the contestants, LET THE WARS BEGIN!”
Me-Me: “This seems less like a political debate and more like a really bad games show.”
Androux: “There’s a difference?”
Warren: “So Warren, why should the world remain an oyster?”
Head Warren: “Why fix what isn’t broken? When planet Earth first suddenly transformed into a giant space oyster, the populace was understandable quite shocked. It took some time, but people learned to adapt and eventually love their new home.”
Hank Grimes: “I didn’t, I still think it sucks!”
Warren: “Quiet Mr Grimes, let Warren finish speaking.”
Head Warren: “Now that everyone has long since adjusted to oyster world, why change it back? It would just cause further frustration and confusion.”
Warren: “Very eloquently put Warren. So, Mr Grimes, you offer the counterpoint that since Oysterworld had served its initial purpose, it should now be transformed back into its original state. Would you care to elaborate on this?”
Hank Grimes: “Leave means leave!”
PC Underling: “Yeah whooooooo, go Hank!”
Warren: “That’s fine I guess, but what are your actual policies?”
Hank Grimes: “Policies? What do you mean policies? I’ve made my stance perfectly clear! Leave means leave!”
PC Underling: “Yeah! Leave means leave!”
Warren: “I understand, but you haven’t given much of a counter-argument to Mr Warren over here.”
Hank Grimes: “I offer the counter-argument that my opponent is a dick!”
Head Warren: “I will not stand here and take these insults, from some underfunded and obsolete organisation!”
Warren: “Settle down everyone! My point is Mr Grimes, that you haven’t seemed to consider anyone else’s needs; it all seems to be about what you and the Earth police want, rather than what’s best for all of us. What kind of policies does your party have to offer for everyone else?
Hank Grimes: “You want some fucking policies? Fine! We’ll give 350 million pounds a week to our medical staff! There, are you happy now?”
Warren: “Is that true, or did you just make that up now?”
Hank Grimes: “Yes”.
Me-Me: “Forget this.”
Slightly afraid to lose anymore brain-cells to this aggravating spectacle, Me-Me walked out. Androux, sharing a very similar sentiment, quickly followed suit.
Me-Me: “I had very little faith in this, but I didn’t think it would be this bad.”
Androux: “I just wish we could get this over quickly so I can complete my mission. Time is of the essence!”
Me-Me: “Mission? What mission?”
Androux: “Whilst I was visiting the land of convenient exposition, I was given the task by the Ecived Tolp and some anime girl to track down Officer Buttmunch. He will then lead me to whoever created the internet police so I can defeat them once and for all!”
Me-Me: “That sounds absolutely absurd, but for some reason I believe you.”
Androux: “I don’t suppose we could just, you know, leave? Let the Warrens and Hank fight it out and slip away unnoticed?”
Me-Me: “As much as I would love to, I’m sure then Earth police will track us down again. Their entire organisation may only consist of two people, a broom closet and a Vauxhall Astra, but they are extremely efficient…… somehow.”
Androux: “Then I guess we have no choice but to wait this out and play along with Hank.”
Me-Me: “Yes, but there’s something that still irks me.”
Androux: “Really? And what’s that?”
Me-Me: “It’s Steve; I won’t question how he just magically showed up, he does that a lot after all, but there must be a reason why he’s here.”
Androux: “Does it matter though? He is our friend after all – he helped us defeat the internet police the first time around, remember?”
Me-Me: “Trust me, you don’t know Steve like I do; I know he plays all friendly and innocent, but he never does anything without an ulterior motive.”
Androux: “But he could just be here to help us. I don’t understand Me-Me, what is this grudge you have against Steve?”
Me-Me: “*Sigh* We were together.”
Volume 6:
A new day dawned over Childhood Trauma Middle School. It was 9:30 in the morning when Mrs Society stood at the front of her class, ready to address her pupils. She had an important announcement to make:
Mrs Society: “Ok children, settle down. I hope you all had a nice weekend. I’m proud to say that we have a new student starting here today! He’s from out of town and doesn’t really know anyone, so I hope you’ll all be extra nice to him.”
The new student nervously entered the room, quickly observing the rest of the class before returning to shyly gaze at his feet.
Mrs Society: “So, what’s your name?”
RickAndMortyFan69: “……RickAndMortyFan69.”
Some of the pupils giggled quietly.
Mrs Society: “Wow, that’s certainly a……. unique name.”
RickAndMortyFan69: “I don’t like it much either, but my dad won’t let me change it.”
Mrs Society: “So, would you like to tell us a bit about yourself? What do you like to do?”
RickAndMortyFan69: “I like to lift weights and go to parties with girls”.
The rest of the class giggled once more.
Mrs Society: “How interesting!”
Brad: “Haha! That’s sooooo gay!”
RickAndMortyFan69: “Huh?”
Mrs Society: “Be quiet Brad! Well, RickAndMortyFan69, I’m sure you’ll fit in around here just fine and make lots of new friends!”
RickAndMortyFan69: “Yeah, I hope so.”
A few hours later, class ended for first break. RickAndMortyFan69 was the last student to leave; he went to his new locker to put his things away, only to discover that Brad and his friends were waiting for him.
Brad: “I bet you think you’re sooooooo cool huh, telling everyone you like to go to parties with girls?”
RickAndMortyFan69: “I……. I’m not sure what you mean.”
Brad grabbed him by the neck and threw him against his locker.
Brad: “We don’t take too kindly to you types around here! I don’t think you’ve got what it takes to fit in at Childhood Trauma Middle School.”
RickAndMortyFan69: “Why…….. why’s that?”
Brad: “All the cool kids at this school, we moderate Discord servers! Only losers go to parties and keep their bodies in decent physical shape! We also like to complain about Sci-Fi films online and send death threats to actresses; I bet you don’t even do any of those things!”
RickAndMortyFan69: “No….. no I don’t. What’s Discord?”
Brad: “Hahaha! You’re pathetic! Let’s get him boys!”
Brad and his friends circled RickAndMortyFan69 and started throwing punches at him. Despite being quite strong due to his pastime of lifting weights, RickAndMortyFan69 was unable to fight back against the bullies; partially due to them outnumbering him, but mostly because they were all morbidly obese. He was afraid that if he were to lay a single punch on one of them, he would get absorbed into their enormous mass, like in that one Doctor Who episode that everyone likes to forget about.
Brad: “Come on, let’s take him to the toilets and give him a swirly!”
After giving him a thorough beating, Brad and his friends dragged RickAndMortyFan69 to the boys’ toilets to continue their punishment.
RickAndMortyFan69: “No! Please, let me go!”
RickAdMortyFan69 struggled as they took him to one of the stalls and shoved his head down the toilet. After a considerable dunking, Brad and his friends left to continue break, leaving the beaten child alone in the bathroom, sobbing quietly by himself.
Assistant Director Benjamin: “Mr MortyFan?”
RickAndMortyFan69: “Huh, who’s that?”
Benjamin: “Mr MortyFan, are you awake?”
RickAndMortyFan69: “Huh, wha-? Oh, it’s you. Sorry about that, I must have dozed off for a bit there.”
Benjamin: “How are you feeling? Any better after our little chat the other day?”
RickAndMortyFan69: “Yeah, a bit, I guess. The only thing I can do now is try to move on and do better in the future I suppose.”
Benjamin: “Wow, that’s surprisingly profound. Well, profound coming from you anyway.”
RickAndMortyFan69: “It’s not good for me to keep dwelling on the past, so I’m trying to keep myself distracted with new projects. Like, I’ve come up with this brilliant idea for a rewrite of the last season of Game of Thrones! Or the last two seasons. I keep forgetting, which Game of Thrones seasons are you allowed to like these days?”
Benjamin: “Yeaaaahhhh, about that – we’re broke.”
RickAndMortyFan69: “Wait – WHAT!? How?
Benjamin: “Yep, we’ve got no money. We seem to have spent it all, or more importantly, YOU seem to have spent it all. Would you care to explain?”
RickAndMortyFan69: “I don’t understand, I swear it was all just here a minute ago!”
Benjamin: “Hang on a moment, what’s that on your screen?”
Earlier, RickAndMortyFan69 was doing some ritual simping on OnlyFans and forgot to close the tab before he fell asleep. His secret pastime was now on display for the assistant director to see.
Benjamin: “MrMortyFan, are you a simp?”
RickAndMortyFan69: “GET OUT!”
Me-Me: “I can’t believe this! You’re breaking up with me?”
Steve: “Yeah.”
Me-Me: “But I thought what we had was special!”
Steve: “Nah.”
Me-Me: “And after all the things I’ve done for you, doesn’t that mean anything?”
Steve: “Nah.”
Me-Me: “But I thought you loved me!”
Steve: “Ehhhhhh…… not really.”
Me-Me: “Fine! If it has to end this way, I’m leaving! And I don’t want to ever speak to you again!”
Steve: “Alright, see ya.”
Me-Me: “And that’s how it all happened.”
Androux: “Well that was nice and vague.”
Me-Me: “I know it’s hard to explain, but you don’t know Steve like I do. He can’t be trusted.”
Androux: “Look Me-Me, you’re my friend and I want to see where you’re coming from, but you’re not giving me anything to go on here. It seems to me that you’re just letting your personal feelings for Steve cloud your judgement.”
Me-Me: “Has it ever occurred to you that it’s a bit strange that Steve just seems to magically show up out of nowhere for no reason?”
Androux: “You know, that has actually occasionally crossed my mind.”
Me-Me: “I know this sounds insane, but I think Steve is playing his own game here.”
Androux: “And what’s that supposed to mean?”
Me-Me: “I don’t think he ever cared about me, you, or any of us. To him we’re all just pawns in some game he’s playing. This sounds ridiculous but…. But……
Androux: “But what?”
Me-Me: “Maybe he lives on some alternate plane of existence. Or something. I don’t know!”
Androux: “I’m sorry Me-Me, but I only care about the facts here. And facts, don’t care about your feelings.”
Me-Me: “Oh shut up Ben Shapiro.”
Agent Anderson paced up and down the command centre of internet police HQ, overviewing his subordinates and pondering what to do about the Androux situation.
Internet police agent: “Sir, I think we’ve got something here.”
Agent Anderson: “Is it Androux? Have you found him?”
Internet police agent: “No, but there’s someone in sector Z who thinks the backlash against the Mass Effect ending went too far.”
Agent Anderson: “Send a drone strike. Make sure no-one in the area survives. They could have could have contaminated the local populace with their cancerous views. We can’t take any chances.”
Internet Police agent: “Yes Sir.”
The internet police agent typed away at his computer, ordering the strike to contain the pestilence in sector Z. No-one in that area would be having dangerous opinions about video games for the foreseeable future. Meanwhile, the local janitor peered over, curious to see what all the polava was about.
Janitor: “I don’t mean to be a nuisance, but isn’t that overdoing it?”
Agent Anderson: “What?”
Janitor: “I don’t know much about them video games and whatnot, but is it really necessary to kill a bunch of people because they don’t like the things you like?”
*BANG*
A shot fired from Agent Anderson’s pistol, penetrating the janitor’s skull and splattering blood all over the surroundings. The Janitor’s lifeless corpse collapsed to the floor and brains poured from the area where his head used to be.
Agent Anderson: “Clean that shit up!”
Internet police agent: “We can’t, he was our janitor!”
Agent Anderson: “Well hire a new one goddamn it! Ok ladies and gents, your attention please!”
Internet police agent: “But there are no women here; you fired all our female staff because you said it was ‘forced diversity’, remember?”
Agent Anderson: “*Sigh*, fine. Ok men, listen up! I shouldn’t have to remind you of the importance of our work here. We are what stands between the global populace…”
Internet police agent: “Oyster populace.”
Agent Anderson: “…Oyster populace and complete chaos. You see, we live in a society. And a society, there are people in it. People’s heads are full of thoughts, each one a parasitic worm looking to escape, infect and breed. It us up to people like us to quell this vile corruption, to stop the parasite in its tracks, so that only one way of thinking remains: ours. With all opposing thought extinguished, we can control our own destiny! We can plan and know our every move, but most importantly, keep everyone else in line. People may not like us restricting their freedoms, but it’s for their own good. The only thing standing in our way of accomplishing our goal, is perhaps the most disgusting parasite of them all: Androux. Find him and dispose of him, at all costs.”
Internet police agent: “Yes sir! Wait – aren’t we supposed to be a hivemind that doesn’t conform to traditional command structures? If so, why am I taking orders from you?”
Agent Anderson: “Just shut up and do your job, agent.”
Jimmy: “Duuuuuuuuh, bwass, errrr, I fink we’ve found sum-ting. Duuuuhhhhhh.”
Agent Anderson: “Ah, Jimmy – I see they haven’t removed that spanner from your skull yet.”
Jimmy: “Duuuuhhhh, not yet.”
Agent Anderson: “So, what is you want to show me?”
Jimmy: “This way, this way, Jimmy’ll show you teh way!”
Jimmy led Agent Anderson to the computer where he was working, being careful not to slip in any of Jimmy’s drool on the way.
Agent Anderson: “So, what exactly am I looking at?”
Jimmy: “Errrrrr, its teh league of Warrens sur. We’ve been trackin deir movee-munts for a while now. Uhhhhhhh, dey’ve all been moooo-vin too-wards dis point ‘ere. Dey must ov had sum sorta rec…. eekall… reaaakleee…..”
Agent Anderson: “Recall?”
Jimmy: “Yes! A reek-all!”
Agent Anderson: “Hmmmm, how interesting. Androux and the league of Warrens have worked together in the past, are you suggesting that he is involved in this, recall?”
Jimmy grinned at Anderson, rapidly nodding his head in a mixture of agreement and excitement.
Agent Anderson: “So, if we finalise the data and focus in on the point all the Warrens are moving towards, yes, Androux could be right here!”
A red dot lit up on Jimmy’s computer screen map.
Agent Anderson: “Gentlemen, I think we have him.”
Jimmy: “Yeeeeey!”
Agent Anderson: “Good work Jimmy, I’ll be sure to get someone to read you an extra-long bedtime story tonight. We just need to make sure the President never finds out about this.”
Jimmy: “Duuuuh, why doo wee kneed two mayke suuure dat deh prezzz…… present….. indent…… thingy, nev-ur finds owt abowt dis?”
Agent Anderson: “Because if he finds out that Androux is still alive, we might lose his support. His influence as president is incredibly useful to us, we cannot afford to lose that.”
Jimmy: “Gotcha! Yoo can cownt on me!”
Agent Anderson: “I’m serious Jimmy; Derkle makes for a very good puppet. If he found out we’ve been lying to him this whole time, all our plans could….”
President Derkle: “SUP MOTHERFUCKERS! HOW’S IT HANGING?”
Agent Anderson: “Shit….”
President Derkle strutted into the command centre as if he owned the place, (I guess being president, he did). He was wearing his unsubtle purple hat and cane, accompanied this time with a new fur coat that was likely made from the skins of a large number of endangered animals, all of which were probably extinct by now once being harvested for said coat.
Agent Anderson: “Ah, president Derkle! We weren’t expecting you. If you told us you were coming, I would have done something nice with the place.”
President Derkle: “That’s no problem my homie, I just thought I’d swing by for a bit to see what was up with you dudes.”
Agent Anderson: “Oh, you know, internet police stuff.”
President Derkle: “That sounds fucking sweet man.”
Agent Anderson: “So, is there anything in particular you wanted?”
President Derkle: “Oh nothing much, it’s just that I think I left one of my cocaine stashes around here somewhere.”
Agent Anderson: “Haven’t seen any cocaine stashes around here, sir. What about you Jimmy, have you seen any cocaine around here?”
Jimmy: “Uuughhh, no sur!”
President Derkle: “But I need that cocaine, it’s for a very important project! You see, last night, after coming home from a long day at the whore house, I came up with a brilliant idea! Instead of paying taxes and all that pointless bullshit, why don’t I use all the money I’d save to create a new super-drug to get fucking high on?”
Agent Anderson: “Sounds like a very worthwhile investment sir.”
President Derkle: “It’s a combination of loads of other illegal drugs. I’m going to call it Crystalcocaineheroinmethjuana! The cocaine is the missing ingredient.”
Agent Anderson: “Have you checked your coat pockets?”
President Derkle: “No, let me see…… hmm……… ah! There we go, it was in here the whole time!
Agent Anderson: “Crisis averted.”
President Derkle: “You bet dwag! Anyway, I best be heading off now, those strippers won’t stick dollar bills in their underwear by themselves after all!”
Agent Anderson: “Good day, Mr President! ……….. Is he gone? Whew, that was close.”
Jimmy: “It ser-tainly woz bwass! Itz a good fing yoo didn’t tell ‘im that Androux woz still all-live!”
Just as he was making his exit from the command centre, President Derkle stopped dead in his tracks.
President Derkle: “What?”
It was very unfortunate for Agent Anderson that the president was still within earshot of Jimmy’s loud, obnoxious voice.
Agent Anderson: “For fuck’s sake Jimmy.”
Derkle slowly walked back over to Jimmy and Anderson; his confident swagger completely gone.
President Derkle: “……… Is this true?”
Jimmy: “Shure it iz! We’re not sup-ozed too tell deh president thow, it’s a sea-cret! Shhhhhhh!”
Agent Anderson: “Jimmy, I’m going to kill you.”
President Derkle: “Have you been lying to me, THIS WHOLE TIME!?”
Jimmy: “Yes! Oh wheyt! I’m not supper-osed to tell yoo. Just pree-tend yoo didn’t ‘ear nutthing.”
Agent Anderson’s head collapsed into his hands.
President Derkle: “But Anderson…….. why?”
Agent Anderson: “*Sigh*, so what if we did lie to you? You don’t even need Androux anymore! You have wealth, power, women and infinite access to illegal substances, all of which WE gave you! What more could you possibly want?”
President Derkle: “…… I want my friend back. I betrayed him…… I betrayed them all……. for nothing.”
Agent Anderson: “Forget about them! Your old friends will never take you back anyway; you arrested them, remember?”
President Derkle: “That was your idea Anderson, not mine! I just wanted to chill out with the crew in the schoolyard, just like old times. I even invited RickAndMortyFan69 – wait, no wonder the magic bitch and those other assholes showed up at my door, Androux must’ve gotten my message!”
Agent Anderson: “Message? What message?”
President Derkle: “There was always a part of me that still believed Androux was out there somewhere. So a while ago, I sent him a message via his Satanic drug dealer. Turns out he did receive it in the end.”
Agent Anderson: “Pah! This changes nothing! Do you really want to go back to your old life? Who even were you before our intervention? A pathetic mayor whose greatest responsibility was ordering lowlifes to pick flowers for you, that’s who!”
President Derkle: “……. I was a good man…… once.”
Agent Anderson: “Grow the fuck up! We’ve given you everything, so you better be fucking grateful for it! Isn’t this the kind of life you’ve always wanted, or is all this wealth and power just not enough for you?”
The president snivelled.
President Derkle: “But the guilt……. It hurts.”
Agent Anderson moved closer to Derkle; he could see clearly now that his purple hat displayed the words ‘fuck bitches make money’ on the rim. He reached into the president’s coat pocket and pulled out the bag of cocaine.
Agent Anderson: “Just take this and I’m sure you’ll soon feel much better. You won’t even remember Androux after a while.”
The president examined the bag as Anderson dangled it in front of his face like a cat’s toy.
Agent Anderson: “So, what’s it going to be ‘Mr President?’ Are you going to fall in line, play by the rules, or do I need to replace you?”
President Derkle: “*Sniff*, fine, I will.”
Agent Anderson: “Good, I knew you’d come to your senses eventually. We better never have this conversation again though. Just remember, I can take everything I’ve given you away, just like that.”
Volume 7:
Samantha: “So let me get this straight – he spent all of our budget on Twitch Prime subscriptions? Why?”
Benjamin: “He’s been diagnosed with a terminal case of being a simp. There’s no hope for him now, not that I ever had much faith in him, even before he blew all our budget on E-girls.”
Samantha: “Shame, I really thought he was above that.”
Benjamin: “No you didn’t.”
Samantha: “You’re right, so what does this mean for High IQ Productions?”
Benjamin: “Well once again it’s up to me plug holes in this sinking ship of a company. Honestly I’ve got no idea how I’m going to pull it off this time.”
Samantha: “We could just….. you know…..”
Benjamin: “What?”
Samantha: “Bail?”
Benjamin: “Please, I’ve been wanting to be done with this place since day one! Unfortunately, I’ve got nowhere else to go.”
Samantha: “Oh come on, your talents are completely wasted here! You could do so much better.”
Benjamin: “Haha! Have you seen the job market recently? A friend of mine tried to apply for a minimum wage job at a shop not long ago; he got rejected because the role required a master’s degree, 20 years of retail experience, expertise in neuroscience and to have been to Mars at least once. Sure, I hate this job and it’s constantly diminishing my sense of self-worth, but I’m sticking with it.”
Samantha: “Is it really worth it though?”
Benjamin: “No, of course not! But what else can I even do?”
Samantha rested her hand gently on Benjamin’s shoulder.
Samantha: “Don’t be like that Ben; we both know you were made for better things than this. Wouldn’t you love to be part of something you actually care about?”
Benjamin: “I’d love to, but it’s not that simple.”
Samantha: “Who says it isn’t?”
Benjamin: “Well if it’s that easy for you, why don’t you leave then?”
Samantha paused and removed her hand from his shoulder.
Samantha: “Fine, maybe I will. Goodbye Ben, have a nice life.”
Samantha slammed the door of Benjamin’s office behind her.
Benjamin: “Fuck.”
Hank Grimes: “….. So by following the evidence to its most logical conclusion, we can see with perfect clarity that by opponent is a poopy butt who smells bad!”
Head Warren: “Unbelievable – I refute these allegations that I smell like a poorly cleaned backside! In fact, I think you’ll find that it is YOU who smells like a butt!”
As you can see, the Oystxit debates were going absolutely swimmingly; it had taken almost 5 minutes before Hank Grimes and the Head Warren broke out into hurling childish insults at each other.
Hank Grimes: “So what if I smell like a butt? Your momma is gay!”
Warren: “Gentlemen, please…..”
Head Warren: “I will not stand idly by whilst this lowlife spews these baseless accusations that my mother is gay! Besides, we all know the truth about the leave party.”
Hank Grimes: “Oh yeah? And what truth is that?”
Head Warren: “That everyone in your party has a very small pee-pee!”
Hank Grimes: “You take that back you bastard, I do not have a small pee-pee!”
Head Warren: “Yes you do, it is commonplace knowledge amongst the populace!”
Hank Grimes: “Well your Nan sells Avon!”
Head Warren: “I think you’ll find that it is YOUR Nan who sells Avon!”
Hank Grimes: “No yours!”
Head Warren: “No you!”
Hank Grimes: “No you times ten!”
Head Warren: “No you times infinity.”
Hank Grimes: “I’m not listening lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala!”
Head Warren: “Lalalalalalalalalalalala!”
Warren: “SILENCE! It’s obvious to me that we’re not getting anywhere like this. Perhaps we need a change of speaker? Hmmm…… Mr Grimes, haven’t you brought a special guest?”
Hank Grimes: “Of course, Androux! I knew I dragged you all the way here for something, now get your ass up here and make yourself useful for once!”
Head Warren: “Ah yes, the great Androux; the fulfiller of our sacred prophecy. I reckon he has a much more reasonable insight on this situation compared to this buffoon.”
Hank Grimes: “Watch it, ginger.”
Androux: “Ok, but since I’m responsible for saving all your lives, I believe I’ve made myself plenty useful in the past.”
Androux slowly got up from his seat and made his way to the front stage. He could feel the Warrens eyes bore into him as he went by.
Hank Grimes: “Ladies and Gentlemen. May I present to you: the idiot responsible for this mess.”
Hank left the stand, ready for Androux to take his place.
Hank Grimes: “You better not mess this up, or there’ll be hell to pay!”
This was it; the time for Androux to make his debut at Oystxit had finally arrived. An impatient crowd looked onward, knowing that their future could be determined by the next few words of a Crystal Meth addict, who’s appearance still hasn’t been described by the writers yet. Stakes were high, so Androux could leave no room for doubt. This time, there could be no mistakes.
Androux: “Hey everyone! How’s it going? I don’t really want to be here, plus I’ve got more important things to be getting on with, so Imma make this snappy.”
Hank Grimes: “For fuck’s sake Androux.”
Androux: “Mr Warren; first of all, let me say that I completely understand your original need to transform the world into a giant space oyster. It was an absolutely necessary decision to make at the time.”
Head Warren: “Thank you, I’m glad someone understands.”
Androux: “May I also say that I’ve really enjoyed Oysterworld so far – it’s been a very refreshing change of scenery and on the whole, I find it far more interesting than Planet Earth.”
Head Warren: “If you feel that way, then why do you side with Hank Grimes and the Earth Police?”
Androux: “Even though I personally like Oysterworld, it makes no difference to the bigger picture here.”
Head Warren: “And what is this ‘bigger picture?’ Explain yourself!”
Androux looked to his side and gestured towards Hank Grimes; he was standing at the back corner of the stage, looking very disgruntled at Androux’s choice of words.
Androux: “Take a look at Mr Grimes here; do you know why he wants to change the world back to normal?”
Head Warren: “Because he is a fool! Why else?”
Androux: “Yes, but also no. The reason he hates Oyster World isn’t necessarily because it’s better or worse than planet Earth, it’s simply because you changed it. You upset the status quo and he will never be happy with it. Change goes against everything him and the Earth Police stand for.”
Head Warren: “I see your point Mr Androux, but there’s no reason why we should go through the trouble of changing the world back, just to appease him and his outdated organisation!”
Androux: “Once again, you’re missing the big picture. There are millions of people out there in the world, just like Hank, who will never be content with the changes you’ve made. They will hold this grudge against you until the day you die. Even if you win Oystxit today, Hank will probably start up Oystxit 2: Electric Boogaloo tomorrow. Is that something you want to deal with? Do you really want people like him to pester you about this for the rest of your life?”
The Head Warren paused in a moment of contemplation, picturing Androux’s scenarios in his head and mulling over the consequences.
Head Warren: “Androux….. you’ve given me a lot to think about.”
Agent Anderson: “Are the gunships prepared Jimmy?”
Jimmy: “Joo bet bwoss! Deh enema-ee wowent no wot ‘it ‘em!”
Agent Anderson: “Good work, expect an extra helping of ice cream with your dessert later.”
Jimmy: “Hooray!”
Agent Anderson: “We depart at 0900 hours.”
Jimmy: “900 hours! I dident reel-eyes there wer dat man-e ourz in deh day!”
Agent Anderson: “Shut up Jimmy.”
Jimmy: “R yoo comming az well?”
Agent Anderson: “Of course – I want witness Androux’s destruction personally. I let him escape once, it won’t happen again.”
As Agent Anderson watched his massive armada gather in the internet police’s main hangar, a laughably out of place figure attempted to navigate its way around the soldiers and military equipment; it was President Derkle.
President Derkle: “Excuse me Mr soldier, can I get past please? I need to speak to Mr Anderson; it is of utmost importance! Could you all move out of my way? Please? I am asking nicely! I AM YOUR PRESIDENT AND I DEMAND THAT I BE ALLOWED TO PASS!”
Upon witnessing his navigational dilemma, Agent Anderson approached president Derkle to save him the trouble.
Agent Anderson: “Mr President, we’ve almost finished preparing the troops for the assault on Androux. There’s nothing you can do to stop this now, if that’s why you’re here.”
President Derkle: “I’m not here to stop you Anderson, I want to come with you.”
Agent Anderson: “Are you sure that’s wise?”
President Derkle: “Please, let me speak to Androux. I can reason with him, make him see our point of view. Me and him were friends once, so there’s a chance he’ll listen to me.”
Agent Anderson: “Derkle, if I have to remind you of your loyalties again……”
President Derkle: “It’s not that I swear! I just want to end this conflict as peacefully as I can.”
Agent Anderson: “Ha! The opportunity for you to take some grand moral stance has long since passed! It’s always about Androux, it always has been.”
President Derkle: “How dare you! I don’t have to justify my reasoning to you, I’m your goddamn President! AND IT’S ABOUT TIME THAT YOU START SHOWING ME SOME MOTHERFUCKING RESPEC-”
Agent Anderson: “What the hell was that?”
A small green crayon dribbled out of the president’s nose and hit the floor with an almost inaudible clink.
Agent Anderson: “Is that a fucking crayon?”
Derkle reached down, picked up the small Crayola product and coddled it in the palms of his hands.
President Derkle: “It is, A CRAYON! I haven’t sneezed out one of these since I was with……. Wow, has it been that long? I didn’t think I had it in me anymore.”
Agent Anderson: “You’re not coming with us Derkle, I’m still unconvinced of your allegiance to the internet police. Until then, I’m putting you under house arrest at your 5 – bedroom unfurnished rental property. Guards, take him away!”
Two internet police guards came to escort Derkle away from the premises. They didn’t use force however, as the president agreed to go quietly without a struggle.
President Derkle: “Have I really fallen that far?”
As this whole fiasco was unfolding, a concealed Steve had been observing the military preparations from behind some hangar crates.
Steve: “Hmmm, how interesting.”
Steve vanished, again.
Hank Grimes: “Androux, you made me look like a right arse out there! With that said, it seems you’ve partially changed the Head Warren’s mind, so well done.”
Androux: “Thanks Hank, but we aren’t out of this yet.”
Me-Me: “You did well out there Androux, I’m proud of you. But there’s still something that’s bugging me about all this.”
Androux: “Really? And what’s that?”
Me-Me: “These debates, no one on the outside world knows what’s going on here, right?”
Androux: “I believe that’s the case.”
Me-Me: “So who is actually going to be voting in Oystxit? Is it just everyone here or are there others participating?”
Androux: “You know what, I have absolutely no idea. I was so caught up in everything, I never even considered that. Hank, do you know anything about this?”
Hank Grimes: “Errrrr…… hmmmm…… let me think……”
Me-Me: “Don’t tell me no-one around here actually knows who’s voting in this thing?”
Anorak: “AAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWHHHH I’M JUST HERE FOR THE LAMPPOSTS I WAS PROMISED!”
Boffin: “AAAAAAWWWWHHH SAME HERE!”
PC Underling: “Oooh, ooh, I know! I was talking to one of the Warrens about it earlier!”
Hank Grimes: “Well spit it out man!”
PC Underling: “Let’s see…… we have me and you, that makes two. We also have Androux and Me-Me of course, that makes four. Anorak and Boffin as well, that makes six…..”
Me-Me: “What about anyone else not in this room?”
PC Underling: “All of the Warrens obviously, but that’s it I think.”
Hank grimes: “So all the Warrens are going to be voting? Please, forgive me if I think that’s a little biased!”
PC Underling: “Oh heavens no! Since Warrens individually have almost no identity of their own, their vote only counts as one. Except for the Head Warren of course, he gets his own vote.”
Hank Grimes: “So there are only 8 votes?”
PC Underling: “Yep.”
Me-Me: “9 if you include Steve.”
Hank Grimes: “Steve, who’s Steve?”
Me-Me: “You know, Steve. He was here just a few minutes ago.”
PC Underling: “I don’t know anything about anyone called Steve.”
Me-Me: “Oh no, not this again.”
Anorak: “AAAAAAWWWWWHHHH I DON’T KNOW OF ANYONE AROUND HERE CALLED STEVE, ME-ME. I THINK YOU’VE BEEN SMOKING TO MUCH OF THE CRACK!”
Me-Me: “Androux, meet me outside. We need to talk, in private.”
Me-Me walked out of the break room where the others were gathered and into the corridor. Androux followed suit, shutting the door behind them.
Me-Me: “There’s something deeply wrong going on here.”
Androux: “You keep saying that.”
Me-Me: “But it’s true! Whether it’s with Steve or this tiresome Oystxit debacle, this whole thing is just wrong!”
Androux: “I’m inclined to agree Me-Me, but this will be all over soon and I can get back to my mission. It is of utmost importance!”
Me-Me: “We need to leave, right now.”
Androux: “But you’re the one who said we should stay in the first place!”
Me-Me: “I can’t explain it, but I feel like something terrible is going to happen if we continue to stay here. You’ve played your part in Oystxit, perhaps you can convince Hank that we can leave?”
Androux: “I’m not too sure about this Me-Me.”
Me-Me: “Androux – wouldn’t it be great to be done with this whole pointless conflict and get back to the things that really matter? We can even get the old gang back together! It’ll be just like old times: you, me, Derkle, the guy with the annoying voice, the White flower and……. Egh…… Steve.”
Androux: “That’s all I’ve ever really wanted.”
Me-Me: “Great! Let’s go back inside and speak to the others.”
Me-Me re-opened the door to the break room, only to discover that there were more occupants inside than when they had left.
Hank Grimes: “Great news Androux, you’re free to leave now!”
Androux: “Really, how come?”
PC Underling: “We’ve had a little chat with our good friend Steve and he’s convinced us all that we should let you both leave. You know Steve, he always has such brilliant ideas after all!”
Me-Me: “Is that so?”
Hank Grimes: “Androux, you’ve done your part in Oystxit, we can take it from here.”
Me-Me: “And what exactly did you say to them, Steve?”
Me-Me examined the newly-appeared Steve; he stared back, but his gaze seemed to go right through her, as if she wasn’t really there at all.
PC Underling: “Oh Steve! You never were much of a talker, were you?”
Steve said nothing.
Hank Grimes: “Don’t worry yourselves about it, everything here is completely under control.”
PC Underling: “Oystxit is pretty much in the bag, so you can leave whenever you like. Thanks for your help!”
Anorak: “AAAAAWWWWWWWWWHHHH I WISH YOU THE BEST OF LUCK IN THE JOURNEY’S AHEAD!”
BOFFIN: “AAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWHHHHHH SAME HERE!”
Me-Me looked incredibly perplexed by the whole scenario.
Androux: “Hooray!”
Androux excitedly raced through Woolworths searching for the exit, whilst Me-Me followed sluggishly with uncertainty in her steps. The sacred gates of Woolworths creaked open and Androux ran out to the parked Cyan-Eyes Off-White Dragon.
Androux: “Come on Me-Me, time is of the essence!”
Me-Me: “Hold on, I’m coming!”
Androux boarded the dragon, ready to take flight, but then he remembered that flying dragons was Me-Me’s job. After all, Androux had graduated in flower picking at the University of Cambridge and didn’t attend any dragon flying classes.
Androux: “First of all, we need to find Mayor, ehem, President Derkle to find out what he knows. That would be the best place to start.”
Me-Me: “This just doesn’t seem right.”
Androux: “For heaven’s sake Me-Me, nothing ever seems right according to you! We both wanted to leave, right? Well now we can! What’s there to complain about?”
Me-Me: “So you aren’t going to question why Steve suddenly reappeared to convince everyone else that we should leave?”
Androux: “I don’t have time to question such things, time is of the essence!”
Me-Me: “So you keep saying, but maybe there’s a reason Steve doesn’t want us around anymore, have you even considered that?”
Androux: “I’m sure they’ll be fine – Anorak will take good care of them.”
Me-Me: “Speaking of which….”
Anorak had come through the gates after Androux and Me-Me, presumably to see them off.
Anorak: “AAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHH HELLO AGAIN! I THOUGHT I’D COME AND BID YOU BOTH FAREWELL BEFORE I START SCOUTING THE AREA FOR NEW LAMPPOSTS TO ADD TO MY COLLECTION! I HOPE I’LL BE ABLE TO TAKE SOME OF THEM HOME AND POWER THEM UP WITH MY GARDENER 6LXB!”
Me-Me: “Well good luck with that.”
Anorak: “AAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWHHHH THANK YOU ME-ME. IT’S A SHAME THAT WHILST I’M OUT HERE, I MIGHT MISS STEVE’S SPECIAL SURPRISE THAT HE HAS PLANNED FOR US LATER! OH WELL, THE SACRIFICES I MAKE FOR LAMPPOSTS!”
Me-Me: “Special surprise? What special surprise?”
Anorak: “AAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWHHHHH I DON’T KNOW, I GUESS THAT’S WHY IT’S A SURPRISE! IT CAN’T BE TOO IMPORTANT THOUGH, OTHERWISE HE WOULDN’T HAVE BEEN SO INSISTANT THAT YOU TWO LEAVE AND MISS OUT ON ALL THE FUN! AFTER ALL, HE UNDERSTANDS HOW BUSY YOU TWO ARE.”
Me-Me: “I was right, Steve does want us to leave!”
Anorak: “We don’t have time for this Me-Me. Steve is right, we do have more important things to be getting on with.”
Me-Me: “*Sigh* Fine, but I feel like we’re making a huge mistake here.”
Me-Me boarded the dragon and got ready for take-off.
Androux: “Well Anorak, I guess this is goodbye for now, but I’m sure we’ll meet again soon enough!”
Anorak: “AAAAAWWWWHHH YOU BET! I’M SURE WE’LL BOTH HAVE SOME GREAT STORIES TO TELL AT THE END OF THIS. THOUGH MINE WILL OBVIOUSLY BE BETTER, BECAUSE THEY’LL INVOLVE LAMMPOSTS!”
Me-Me: “Anorak, I would say it’s been pleasant knowing you, but it hasn’t. Goodbye.”
Anorak: “AAAAAAAAAWWWWWHHHH WELL FUCK YOU TOO YOU STUCK UP BITCH!”
Me-Me: “What did you just say to me?”
Anorak: “AAAAAAAWWWWWHHHHHH ERM, NOTHING.”
Me-Me gave Anorak a nasty scowl as the Cyan-Eyes spread its wings and took off into the sky.
RickAndMortyFan69 was doing his weekly shop at ‘Non-Branded Supermarket for legal reasons’, when decided to stop by the toy isle on his way out. There he saw a little girl, who couldn’t have been older than 8, holding an action figure from a popular Sci-Fi film series.
RickAndMortyFan69: “What are you doing?”
Little Girl: “Mummy is going to buy me this Star Wars action figure!”
The girl excitedly showed him the figurine.
Little Girl: “It’s Rey, she’s my favourite Star Wars character. She’s so cool!”
RickAndMortyFan69’s face went red as his blood began to boil. He clenched his fists in rage; though he wasn’t a man of violence (apart from shooting Androux and killing his own father), he couldn’t let this misdemeanour of liking the wrong characters in aging Sci-Fi properties go unpunished – he had to let her know that she was wrong.
RickAndMortyFan69: “ACKSHUALLY I’ll think you’ll find that Rey is objectively the worst Star Wars character ever made she was clearly only added for forced diversity reasons and promote the feminist agenda that’s ruining films everyone knows that The Last Jedi was just an SJW plot made by Anita Sarkeesian to make women not want to sleep with me I don’t know how anyone can even like the Star Wars Sequels when they completely RUINED Luke Skywalker’s character arches it completely fails in comparison to the nuanced and sophisticated multi-layered storytelling of a film like Attack Of The Clones I can’t even believe that people think Attack of The Clones is a bad film it isn’t a bad film okay you just need to read the books the truly understand its genius.”
This was by far, the most terrifying experience of this poor girl’s life so far.
Little Girl: “Mummy! There’s a strange man shouting at me and it’s scary!
The girl ran away in tears to her mother, who was standing in one of the other isles. RickAndMortyFan69 then took out a notebook from his pocket, opened it up and drew another line on what appeared to be a tally chart.
RickAndMortyFan69: “Haha! Another argument won!”
After congratulating himself for destroying a literal child with facts and logic in a heated Star Wars debate, RickAndMortyFan69 paid for his groceries, packed his shopping bags and attempted to leave the store, only to have his exit was blocked by the girl and her mother.
Girl’s mother: “How DARE you speak to my daughter like that, you should be ashamed of yourself!”
RickAndMortyFan69: “Well ackshually, I think YOU are the one who should be ashamed of yourself; you allowed your daughter be exposed to the cultural genocide known as the Star Wars sequels after all!”
Girl’s mother: “The absolute nerve – wait, I know you! You’re the one who made that awful film that came out recently, aren’t you?”
RickAndMortyFan69: “Who, me? No, of course not!”
Girl’s mother: “Don’t deny it, I sat through all 13 hours of that rubbish and it’s definitely you!”
As the row escalated, bystanders started to take notice.
Bystander 1: “Yeah, that’s him! He played the part of Luke Skywalker’s new best friend: ‘Derek the coolest who is loved by everyone’ in that crap film.”
Bystander 2: “Ha! What a load of self-indulgent tripe!”
As the crowd began to surround him, RickAndMortyFan69 became more and more aware that this was an argument he couldn’t win.
RickAndMortyFan69: “So what if my film wasn’t that good? You don’t know me; you don’t know what I’ve been through!”
Girl’s mother: “Yet you still judge others for what they like, you’re disgraceful.”
RickAndMortyFan69: “I’m sorry, ok! I’ll go now if that makes things easier.”
Bystander 3: “Sorry isn’t going to put things right this time, we don’t take kindly to types who make sub-par films around here.”
Bystander 4: “Let’s get him!”
The angry mob reached for the fruit and veg isle, hurling whatever food produce they could get their hands on at RickAndMortyFan69. He did his best to shield himself from the onslaught of food, but it was too overwhelming. The vegetable-based torture went on and on, but eventually the disgruntled masses got tired and dissipated, allowing RickAndMortyFan69 to finally escape this humiliation. The bystanders that remained laughed at him on his way out, as concoction of vegetable juices dripped from his clothes with every step.
Volume 8:
SouthParkFan420: “Wakey wakey sleepy head!”
The bedroom curtains quickly drew open, awakening RickAndMortyFan69 from his slumber. He shielded his eyes as the morning light flooded the room.
SouthParkFan420: “It’s your thirteenth birthday today and you know what that means?”
RickAndMortyFan69: “Ugghhh…..”
RickAndMortyFan69 rolled over and attempted to get back to sleep, indicating to his father that his ideal birthday present was a solid lie-in.
SouthParkFan420: “It’s time for your initiation!”
RickAndMortyFan69: “Daaaaaaaad, do I have to?”
SouthParkFan420: “Of course you do, this is the day when you will finally ascend into manhood! What happens today will define you for the rest of your life, aren’t you excited?”
RickAndMortyFan69: “Do I have a choice?”
SouthParkFan420: “No. Now get dressed, we’re leaving in half an hour.”
RickAndMortyFan69 begrudgingly did as he was told and got dressed, had breakfast and got ready to leave. The car ride to their destination was around 20 minutes and was mostly a silent journey, as the two never really talked much. A decent way into the trip, SouthParkFan420 eventually tried to strike up a conversation with his son.
SouthParkFan420: “Sooooooo……. How’s school?”
RickAndMortyFan69: “Not great, I get picked on a lot.”
SouthParkFan420: “Oh look son, we’re almost there! Can you see it?”
A massive cathedral-like structure loomed up at them on the horizon; its outwards appearance was a bizarre blend of medieval architecture with some kind of H.R. Geiger-esque monstrosity. The surrealist design of the building served as a giant middle-finger to whatever constitutes for traditional floor plans. The monolithic spires that adorned the structure were enthralled by constructed tendrils and spines that were almost alien in nature. A lump formed in RickAndMortyFan69’s throat as his car journey brought him closer to the cathedral.
RickAndMortyFan69: “We-we aren’t seriously going in there, are we?”
SouthParkFan420: “Of course we are Rick! It’s where your initiation is taking place, after all.”
RickAndMortyFan69: “Dad, do I really have to do this?”
SouthParkFan420: “Yes you do, it is your destiny to follow in my footsteps. That’s what you’ve always wanted right, to finally make your father proud?”
RickAndMortyFan69 said nothing, afraid to say anything that his father might consider ‘out of line’.
SouthParkFan420: “You’ll come around soon enough. We’re here now anyway.”
The two of them pulled up outside the enormous structure and exited the car. RickAndMortyFan69’s heart ground to a halt as the massive gates creaked open.
SouthParkFan420: “Beautiful, isn’t it?”
It took a moment for RickAndMortyFan69’s eyes to adjust to the bright, clean interior of the cathedral that so rapidly contrasted with its dark and imposing exterior, to the point where it was almost impossible to believe that the inside and outside belonged to the same building. One could have almost described it as ‘pleasant’, if it weren’t for all the cloaked figures holding daggers that lined the outside of the nave.
SouthParkFan420: “Come, my boss will be waiting for you.”
SouthParkFan420 took his son through the nave of the cathedral, which seemingly went on forever, passing even more cloaked figures as they went by. These cultists, or whoever they were, remained completely still without even appearing to acknowledge the existence of their two guests. Approximately halfway to wherever their destination resided, RickAndMortyFan69 noticed a small corridor extending off to the side. There was a door at the end of it that was partially open, giving the frightened teenager a small insight to what monstrosities lay inside. He saw chair in the dark, surrounded by giant saws and blades that could only inflict unspeakable horror onto its occupant. He thought it was a torture chamber at first, but then he caught a glimpse of a small table displaying a selection of medical apparatus, such as needles and scalpels. It looked like they were conducting some kind of experiments in there, but what for and on whom? RickAndMortyFan69 could only speculate to what kind of madness was going on in there.
SouthParkFan420: “That’s the conversion chamber. But don’t worry, you won’t be going in there. I’d never put you through that.”
The pair of them finally made it to the apse where the initiation was to take place. Much like the rest of the building, everything was painted in various shades of white, giving the room a rather dreamlike aesthetic. All of the objects and furniture were very angular and boxy, also painted white. They could see exactly two people standing by the altar; one of them was a woman with long, dark, but slightly greyed hair, indicating that she might’ve been in her mid-forties. Judging by the way she dressed, RickAndMortyFan69 assumed that she was some kind of priestess, as she was wearing all of the appropriate religious attire. The other person was a male security guard, armed with only a pistol and wearing some rather poorly maintained riot gear. The altar itself was nothing special, simply being a plinth that displayed a giant circle carved from marble. RickAndMortyFan69 found the minimalist architecture of the place rather disturbing, as it felt like the building had been sterilised of all humanity and soul. Before he could continue to analyse the artistry (or lack thereof) of his surroundings, the teenager was approached by the priestess, who gave him a smile that managed to be surprisingly comforting albeit slightly creepy.
Jane Walker: “Hello my child! How are you on this fine day?”
RickAndMortyFan69 didn’t answer.
Jane Walker: “Nervous I take it? Don’t worry! I’m sure everything will go perfectly. And what about you Mr SouthParkFan420, I take you are well today?”
SouthParkFan420: “I’m very well, thank you. How’s your work been going?”
Jane Walker: “Oh it’s been going wonderfully! As you can see, our base of operations has been successfully completed. Soon we will be able to spread our word of peace and unity to the whole world!”
SouthParkFan420: “That’s excellent news, so what’s our next step?”
Jane Walker: “That’s a good question my friend; I’ve been struggling to decide the best way to communicate our wisdom to the rest of the world. Unfortunately, people just aren’t willing to accept us yet, which is a shame. I offer salvation for everyone, but people are too hesitant to take it.”
SouthParkFan420: “The greatest pioneers are always unappreciated at first”.
Jane Walker: “And so it seems. Therefore I’m thinking we apply a little more….. aggression to our operation.”
SouthParkFan420: “What are you suggesting?”
Jane Walker: “I’m planning on dedicating a division of our good organisation to enforce our way of life onto the people. Maybe scare a few people our way, make them feel like they have no other choice but to join us.”
SouthParkFan420: “Like some kind of police force?”
Jane Walker: “Precisely my friend! I know it seems overzealous, but it’s the only way to save them. Anyway, now is not the time to be talking business, we have your son’s initiation to consider after all.”
SouthParkFan420: “You’re quite right. I will make the final preparations. Guard!”
Security Guard: “Yes Mr SouthParkFan420?”
SouthParkFan420: “You’re with me.”
Security: “Yes Sir!
Once SouthParkFan420 and the guard disappeared into one of the back rooms, the priestess took a seat on church pew, whilst RickAndMortyFan69 aimlessly wandered around the apse.
Jane Walker: “Come, sit with me child.”
The priestess patted the seat next to her, signalling to RickAndMortyFan69 that he should come over and share in her moment of quiet contemplation. Reluctantly, he did.
Jane Walker: “What troubles you, my child?”
RickAndMortyFan69: “I don’t want to be here.”
Jane Walker: “And why’s that?”
RickAndMortyFan69: “It’s my dad; he never lets me choose what I want to do. It’s not fair, this was all his idea!”
Jane Walker: “Your father only wants what’s best for you. I know he might seem harsh, but he does love you, truly.”
RickAndMortyFan69: “But he just wants me to be exactly like him! He doesn’t even like anything about me. Everything that makes me different from him, he tries to change!”
The priestess sat silently for a few seconds, admiring the altar.
Jane Walker: “I hear you aren’t having a good time at school.”
RickAndMortyFan69: “No, I’m not.”
Jane Walker: “You feel…. Out of place, like no-one understands you, am I correct?”
RickAndMortyFan69: “Yes, I’m just completely different from everyone else. I guess I just don’t belong…”
Jane Walker: “I was like you once; lost, confused, scared, alienated from my peers. I felt like the whole world was against me.”
RickAndMortyFan69: “How did you deal with it?”
Jane Walker: “I created this place – a place where outcasts like you and me can find solitude. A place where those who have been stepped on and ignored for so long can finally be surrounded by like-minded people. You probably don’t realise it right now my child, but for the first time in your life, you are home.”
RickAndMortyFan69: “I’m not sure I understand.”
Jane Walker: “That loneliness and isolation you’re feeling; wouldn’t it be great if no-one would ever feel that way again?”
RickAndMortyFan69: “Yes, yes, I would like that a lot.”
Jane Walker: “Wouldn’t it wonderful if people weren’t so separated over their tiny, insignificant differences; that everyone just thought the same, shared the same ideas and interests, so no-one felt left out?”
RickAndMortyFan69: “Um…. I don’t know.”
Jane Walker: “I hear doubt in your voice my child. Don’t worry, I’m not angry with you, it’s perfectly understandable even. What we are striving for is quite radical.”
The priestess got up and started slowly pacing by the altar, carefully mulling over her next words.
Jane Walker: “So much pain and suffering has been caused in the name of the things that separates us from one another; whether it be our insignificant personal preferences, like what films or music we enjoy, or issues on a much grander scale. Race, gender, religion, politics; we spend so much time bickering about these ideals, but what do we accomplish? Nothing! Just because we can never agree amongst ourselves on what’s best. It’s a joke really; all we create is more misery, more destruction, more isolation and more death. What a waste.”
RickAndMortyFan69: “But what are we supposed to do about it?”
Jane Walker: “That’s when I realised something; the only way humanity could ever achieve peace was if we were to eradicate all our individual differences. Only then can we truly reform ourselves and unify under one set of rules, one set of beliefs. Think about it – there would be no conflict, no war, no suffering, only….. consensus.”
RickAndMortyFan69: “I don’t know, that sounds a bit extreme….”
Jane Walker: “So it is, but I endeavour to spread the message as peacefully as I can. All it requires is a bit of re-education.”
RickAndMortyFan69: “Hmm… But if everyone thinks the same way, who will decide what those thoughts are in the first place?”
The priestess smiled.
Jane Walker: “I will.”
Whilst the two were having their enthralling ethical discussion (which RickAndMortyFan69 severely underprepared for), SouthParkFan420 and the guard were in the final stages of the initiation’s setup.
SouthParkFan420: “Is everyone accounted for?”
Guard: “Yes sir!”
SouthParkFan420: “Is the sacred chalice prepared?”
Guard: “Yes sir, of course sir!”
SouthParkFan420: “Have my ceremonial robes been cleaned?”
Guard: “Yessir, they’re waiting for you in the changing room sir.”
SouthParkFan420: “Good, good. Say, you’ve been working with us for quite a while now, haven’t you soldier?”
Guard: “I’ve been under Miss Walker’s employment for some time now sir.”
SouthParkFan420: “So I’ve noticed. We’re both very impressed with your dedication to our cause.”
Guard: “Just doing my bit to help the movement sir.”
SouthParkFan420: “What’s your name son?”
Guard: “My name? You want to know my name?”
SouthParkFan420: “Of course I do soldier, otherwise I wouldn’t’ve asked!”
Guard: “…… Deathbringer, destroyer of worlds, harbinger of evil, murderer of the innocent…… sir.”
SouthParkFan420: “That’s your real name?”
Guard: “Yessir, it’s the name my mother gave me; she wanted to make sure I strike fear into the hearts of my enemies, sir”
SouthParkFan420: “Well it’s certainly a scary name, but it’s a bit long winded and hard to remember. Also, I would prefer something that’s a bit more entertaining. How about I call you something else, just to lighten the tone?”
Guard: “If you want sir.”
SouthParkFan420: “How about……. Officer Buttmunch?”
Guard: “Officer Buttmunch? You want to call me Officer Buttmunch?”
SouthParkFan420: “Why not? It’s a funnier, less scary name that rolls off the tongue easier.”
Guard: “Well I’m not exactly in a position to disagree with you sir.”
SouthParkFan420: “Excellent, I knew you’d like it! From henceforth, you shall be known as Officer Buttmunch!”
Officer Buttmunch: “Hooray.”
Once their exchange was over, SouthParkFan420 donned his ceremonial robes in the changing room whilst the newly christened Officer Buttmunch waited outside. A few minutes later, the changing room door dramatically flew open and SouthParkFan420 elegantly walked out, wearing his fancy new robes with pride.
SouthParkFan420: “Ahhh, it’s a great day to be king!”
Officer Buttmunch: “I didn’t know you were a king sir?”
SouthParkFan420: “I’m not, it just makes me feel good, makes me feel powerful! Anyway, the initiation awaits us.”
Officer Buttmunch: “I’ll inform the others sir.”
SouthParkFan420: “No need! I’ll do it. Instead, would you do the honour of fetching the sacred chalice?”
Officer Buttmunch: “I would be honoured to be given such a responsibility sir!”
SouthParkFan420: “I knew you wouldn’t let me down! Meet me back in the nave as soon as you’re done.”
Officer Buttmunch: “Yessir!”
Once the officer had left to fetch the chalice, SouthParkFan420 returned to the main part of the cathedral to regroup with his son and the priestess.
SouthParkFan420: “Jane, do you mind if I had a word with you – in private?”
Jane Walker: “Why of course. Child, would you mind just waiting here for a moment whilst me and you father discuss things?”
RickAndMortyFan69: “Go ahead.”
The two of them only moved slightly out of earshot of RickAndMortyFan69 before beginning their supposedly secretive conversation.
Jane Walker: “So, what’s on your mind?”
SouthParkFan420: “It’s about our guard – I have plans for him.”
Jane Walker: “Ah yes, Mr Deathbringer, a very good man. What do you have in mind?”
SouthParkFan420: “First of all, his name is now Officer Buttmunch.”
Jane Walker: “May I ask why?”
SouthParkFan420: “I thought it would be funny.”
Jane Walker: “That’s perfectly understandable, I guess. What else?”
SouthParkFan420: “He’s been very loyal and of great use to us, it would be a shame if something bad were to happen to him.”
Jane Walker: “Where exactly are you going with this?”
SouthParkFan420: “I’m saying that it’s time we consider upgrading him.”
Jane Walker: “You mean…. sending him to the conversion chamber?!”
SouthParkFan420: “Precisely.”
Jane Walker: “But it hasn’t been properly tested yet! If something were to go wrong, we could lose him forever!”
SouthParkFan420: “But if it goes right, he could be our servant for all time. Think about it: we upgrade someone like him, then it’s ensured that our work will be continued long after we’re dead.”
Jane Walker: “But there is no-one else like him.”
SouthParkFan420: “Precisely.”
The priestess paused in contemplation for a few moments.
Jane Walker: “I’m unsure of this myself, but if you think it’s right, then I trust your judgment.”
SouthParkFan420: “Thank you Miss Walker, you won’t regret this. I will send him to the chamber as soon as he comes back! May as well have two initiations today instead of one, am I right?”
The priestess said nothing as she walked back to the altar and took position ready for RickAndMortyFan69’s initiation, whilst SouthParkFan420 returned to his son’s side. A few moments later, Officer Buttmunch re-entered the room carrying a large chalice that contained strange white liquid in it.
Officer Buttmunch: “Sir, I bring to you the sacred chalice with the suspicious white liquid in it!”
The officer bent down on one knee and handed SouthParkFan420 the chalice, who took it from him.
SouthParkFan420: “Excellent work Buttmunch! Unfortunately, I’ve decided that we no longer have use for you in your – how shall I put it – ‘current form.’”
The officer recoiled in shock.
Officer Buttmunch: “Sir, excuse me for asking, but is this a joke?”
SouthParkFan420: “It’s no joke.”
Officer Buttmunch: “Sir, b-but I don’t understand, I thought I was serving you and Miss Walker exceptionally!”
SouthParkFan420: “You have been; your service to us has been absolutely outstanding! You should be proud of yourself.”
Officer Buttmunch: “Then why are you firing me!?”
SouthParkFan420: “Oh, we’re not firing you, anything but! In fact, we’re extending your contract indefinitely, but not without some changes.”
Officer Buttmunch: “Wh-what kind of changes, sir?”
SouthParkFan420: “Me and Miss Walker have decided that you – yes YOU, are the first to be upgraded in our new conversion chamber!”
The officer started to slowly back away in fear.
Officer Buttmunch: “You mean…. You’re sending me in THERE? Oh no.”
SouthParkFan420: “But I thought you’d like it; you’ll be able to continue working for us at an even more efficient level.”
Officer Buttmunch: “But I’ll be completely mutilated! I wouldn’t even be human anymore!”
SouthParkFan420: “True, but you’ll be able to wear some sweet armour. Isn’t that what you’ve always wanted?”
Officer Buttmunch: “NO!”
SouthParkFan420: “Well it’s not like you have a choice in this.”
SouthParkFan420 snapped his fingers and several cultists that had been standing idly by circled the officer.
Officer Buttmunch: “No…. please, I beg of you. Don’t do this to me!”
SouthParkFan420: “Too late, I’ve already made up my mind!”
The officer took out his pistol in order to defend himself, but one of the cultists snuck up behind him and hit the weapon out of his hand. One of the other cultists kicked the gun across the floor in the off-chance that Buttmunch would attempt to re-arm himself. The frightened officer made a break for the emergency exit, but was cut off by even more cultists.
SouthParkFan420: “There’s nowhere to run, Buttmunch.”
Officer Buttmunch: “I’ll fucking kill you for this.”
The officer made a lunge at SouthParkFan420, but two cultists grabbed each of his arms and were able to hold him back. Buttmunch wasn’t going down without a fight, so even more cultists had to come and restrain him. He mustered up all of his strength to try and shake them off, but it was futile.
SouthParkFan420: “Well it seems that you aren’t as obedient as I thought Mr Buttmunch. But don’t worry, we can fix that.”
Officer Buttmunch: “You fucking BASTARD! If there’s anything left of me after this, I will never forgive this betrayal!”
SouthParkFan420: “Oh, but you will! As Miss Walker said to me: ‘all it requires is a bit of re-education!’ It will be a lot easier when we start tampering with your brain though.”
Officer Buttmunch: “You don’t want world peace, do you? All you want is a bunch of slaves!”
SouthParkFan420: “You disappoint me Buttmunch, I thought you were willing to do anything for our cause. Still, I have faith that all your impurities will be cleansed after the conversion.”
Officer Buttmunch: “You’re a monster!”
RickAndMortyFan69: “Father, what are you doing?”
Disturbed by all the commotion, RickAndMortyFan69 ran over to see what was going on.
SouthParkFan420: “Son, stay back! This has nothing to do with you!”
RickAndMortyFan69: “What are you doing to that man? Let him go!”
RickAndMortyFan69 tried to pull one of the cultists away from Buttmunch, but his father stepped in the way and pushed him to the floor.
RickAndMortyFan69: “Ow!”
SouthParkFan420: “Know your place, child!”
Officer Buttmunch: “Whatever happens kid, never turn out to be like him.”
SouthParkFan420: “Like he has a choice. Take him away!”
Officer Buttmunch kicked and screamed as the hooded cultists dragged him down the corridor to the conversion chamber. The screams became muffled when chamber door shut, then were eventually drowned out by the sounds of saw blades cutting through flesh.
RickAndMortyFan69: “But dad….. Why?!”
SouthParkFan420: “It was for his own good. One day, you’ll understand.”
RickAndMortyFan69: “I’ll never understand you! Everything you don’t like you try to change! Why can’t you just let things be?”
SouthParkFan420: “It’s all part of the new world order my son – you’re either with us, or against us. There’s no in-between.”
RickAndMortyFan69: “I never understood your obsession with this ‘new world order’! Mum never understood either!”
SouthParkFan420 flinched slightly.
SouthParkFan420: “Well mother isn’t here now, is she? I’m all you’ve got. I’m all that you’ll ever have, so you better get used to it.”
RickAndMortyFan69: “NO! I refuse to have any more to do with this!”
SouthParkFan420 grabbed his son’s arm and pulled him close, looking directly into his eyes. RickAndMortyFan69 started to tear up.
SouthParkFan420: “Listen here you little shit. You’re going to die today; everything that you are now will be erased and, in its place, will be the son I’ve always wanted you to be. I know you’ve never liked me – you’ve always gone out of your way to deliberately disobey me – but as of today, that’s all going to change.”
RickAndMortyFan69: “Dad…… please……”
SouthParkFan420: “Come with me. It’s time for the initiation.”
SouthParkFan420 dragged his son down the aisle towards the altar, his other hand still holding the sacred chalice. The priestess was waiting for them by the altar, who seemed unmoved by all the commotion going on in the cathedral. The two of them marched down the aisle, whilst all the cultists looked onwards. After a short walk that seemed excruciatingly long in RickAndMortyFan69’s mind, they arrived at the altar, where his father handed the priestess the chalice.
Jane Walker: “Now, the ceremony can finally begin.”
The priestess held the chalice up high; the light from the windows reflected off it.
Jane Walker: “First, RickAndMortyFan69, you must consume….. THE CUM CHALICE!”
RickAndMortyFan69: “The WHAT chalice!?”
Jane Walker: “THE CUM CHALICE!”
RickAndMortyFan69: “Ewww, I’m not drinking that! That’s disgusting!”
Jane Walker: “It’s not what you think it is, it’s only milk. Your father just wanted it to be called that because ‘it would be funny’”.
SouthParkFan420: “Damn straight, now drink up!”
The priestess pushed the chalice in front of the initiate’s face; he examined it for a few seconds, then glanced back at his father, who was looking very expectant of him. After a few seconds of uncomfortable eye contact, RickAndMortyFan69 centred back on the chalice, seeing his reflection in the liquid. Finally, he started to take a sip. A few uncomfortable sips later, he passed the empty chalice back to the priestess.
Jane Walker: “The Cum chalice has been consumed! I should probably warn you RickAndMortyFan69, there is a very rare side effect to consuming the Cum chalice: you might evolve into a guy in his 30s that takes almost a decade to make a demo for some awful anime video game, whilst bleeding money from your fans on Patreon that you use to spend on Samus Aran sex dolls. You’ll also spend more time banning people from your discord than actually developing your game, slowly alienating yourself from anyone that might actually want to help you.”
RickAndMortyFan69: “You could’ve told me that before!”
Jane Walker: “Don’t worry about it. As I said, it’s incredibly rare. There’s only one person that’s got it and his name is Yander-.”
SouthParkFan420: “Ahem! I feel like we’re getting a bit off topic.”
Jane Walker: “Quite right.”
The priestess signalled to one of the cultists, who passed her a large metal sword that had a circle engraved into its blade, presumably to match the altar design. After taking a moment to admire the elegant craftsmanship of the sword, she gently placed the blade on RickAndMortyFan69’s shoulder.
Jane Walker: “Do you, RickAndMortyFan69, promise to uphold the word of…… of……. Erm……. SouthParkFan420, did we decide on a name for our religion?”
SouthParkFan420: “I thought you said you were going to come up with a name!”
Jane Walker: “Well I’ve been a bit busy! *Sigh* Never mind, the ceremony must go on. RickAndMortyFan69, do you promise to uphold the word of ‘our religion’ for as long as you live?”
RickAndMortyFan69 said nothing.
SouthParkFan420: “Well say yes then!”
RickAndMortyFan69: “Yes, Ok, I will!”
Jane Walker: “Good; will you set aside your individual desires and focus on the needs of the many?”
RickAndMortyFan69: “……Yes.”
Jane Walker: “And finally, do you agree to reject your current identity, leave behind everything you are now and become the person we need you to be?”
A tear trickled down RickAndMortyFan69’s face and dripped onto the white floor.
RickAndMortyFan69: “I will.”
Jane Walker: “Excellent. The ceremony is now complete. RickAndMortyFan69, you are now one of us.”
Cultists: “ONE OF US! ONE OF US! ONE OF US! ONE OF US!”
*Ring ring*
???????: “Hello?”
RickAndMortyFan69: “Hi. It’s me.”
???????: “Ah, Mr MortyFan, I was wondering when you’d get back to me! How have you been since our previous encounter.”
RickAndMortyFan69: “I’ve been better.”
???????: “Sooooo, have you considered our little proposition?”
RickAndMortyFan69: “Yes.”
???????: “Aaaaaaannnnd?”
RickAndMortyFan69: “I’m in.”